WHO'S TAKING CARE OF YOU?
Welcome to the Small Jar Podcast, where we moms of teens find the power to step off the emotional rollercoaster between motherhood and the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins. Episode number 123.
Hello, my friends. Can I be honest with you? I have been going through it recently. It's like I've been in a physical state of fight or flight for a week.
You ever notice that when it rains, it pours? Like one morning, I was journaling and I took a deep breath and I asked myself, why am I so stressed out right now? As a life coach, I intellectually understand that my mind is creating my stress. But of course, when I asked myself the question in that moment, what's stressing me out? The answers looked something like this. I'm stressed out because my youngest is applying to college, because of the calls I've gotten from my oldest in college.
I'm stressed because my husband is in challenges at work, and because I've taken on some big commitments. It's not just one thing. It feels like it's everything.
It's funny because for a few days I was telling myself, if I can just get through this next thing, I'll be able to relax. And then I'd get through that thing and I wouldn't feel any better. Or something else would bubble up as the focus of my stress.
Do you ever feel this way? Like it's all just too much? I mean, I could feel the cortisol coursing through my body this week. And it wasn't just in my head. My stress had taken over my whole body.
And yet I didn't have the luxury of shutting down. And as moms, we never do, right? How many times throughout your life as a mom have you been the one to rise to the occasion when your family needed something? Even when you were sick. I remember being sick with the stomach flu and still taking care of my kids.
Even when you have so much to do, so much on your plate, you drop everything to help your kids. It's just what we do as a mom. Is it any different for dads? I don't want to generalize, but what I found with many of the women I coach is that even when our partners are equally invested in the family, there are these lines of responsibility.
Quite often, still, and of course this has changed drastically with other generations, but still on average, our partners are the breadwinners or were the breadwinners. And so it's like their job is outside the home. And our job as moms, even if we have our own job, even an equally important job, we often find our job extending to all aspects of the family life.
From caring for our teens' emotional well-being, managing their school and extracurricular activity schedule, keeping track of deadlines, managing the household, making sure there's food in the fridge, cooking, making sure your schedule's clear for those important dates in your kid's life, the ceremonies, the games, the performances. You're responsible for the day-to-day. You're responsible for supporting your teen through their moods.
Even when they don't tell you what's going on, you worry. You try to find new ways to reach them, to connect, to identify issues before they become bigger issues. You're also the steward of your kid's dreams.
For making sure they had music lessons or enrolled in soccer when they were little, to literally every way they're trying to self-actualize now. They want to go to college, so I bet you've planned college trips and you're keeping track of application deadlines. You're researching SAT prep options and trying to find other colleges like the one your kid fell in love with when they visited this summer.
In fact, I'm willing to bet that you've invested tens of thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands at this point, in your child's dreams. Really think about that. Over 17 years, 100,000 is only about 6,000 a year.
And it's not just the money. Even more, you've made an emotional investment in your child's dreams. It's their well-being.
And thank God for you. If your child doesn't appreciate this effort yet, they will eventually. In those moments when they truly see you, there is nothing better.
In fact, we're never actually doing it for the thank you. Even those of us who think we need validation from our role as a mom, I honestly don't think it's about needing that thank you or the appreciation. It's enough to see our kids thriving, self-actualizing.
Those moments when you think, everything I've done, all of the tears and the effort and the driving around and every moment I've spent loving this child, this is what it's all about. Seeing their smile, their triumph, those moments when they had to work really hard for something and finally succeeded, it makes this effort all worth it. But along the way, my friend, between you and me, it's a lot.
Of all of the stresses we have in our life, seeing our kids struggle, that's the worst. Those are moments we go over the edge with anxiety. For me this past week, I had some big things going on in my own life, and when I saw my youngest struggling, it was like an alarm went off in my brain.
We do what we need to do, right? Notwithstanding all of the obligations I had in front of me, my son's needs moved to the top of the list, and it became all-consuming. But maybe the worst part of it is there's only so much I can do to fix things with my son. I talked to him as much as he would talk to me.
I presented possible solutions. I sought support. One thing about us moms is we are a resourceful bunch, right? If we see a problem or an opportunity for our kids, we are going to go after it like a pit bull.
I called someone as a resource for my son and was told no one would be available to talk to me for 48 hours. And I actually heard myself say the words, can I speak to a supervisor? I promise I was polite about it, but I laughed when I heard those words come out of my mouth. But within two hours, I was on the phone with someone getting the issue solved.
If it's for our kids, we do whatever it takes. In fact, I have a client whose son had gone through a really stressful medical situation. Luckily when we met, he was doing great and had overcome the challenge.
But as my client told me about that experience, she shared all of the ways she supported her son through that challenge. Finding the best doctors, supporting him emotionally and physically, making sure he didn't fall behind in school. She was literally a superhero, supporting him in every way he needed.
I see this time and again with the women I have the privilege of working with. These superwomen who move heaven and earth for their families. And yet they find themselves in a place where they have needs that aren't being met.
And it's almost like you could ask the question for all of us. We're working so hard to support the needs of everyone else in our life. Who's taking care of us? I think we'd all agree, and if you're listening to this podcast, I am sure I can take this leap of faith that you'd also agree, that the purpose of raising kids is amazing.
We wouldn't trade it for the world. But that sense of purpose and meaning we create in our life as moms doesn't solve for the anxiety we feel as we navigate raising and launching our kids. It doesn't solve for the loneliness we start to feel as our kids become busier in their lives and eventually leave home.
It doesn't help us through the disconnection and frustration we feel when our kids pull away or push us away. It doesn't solve for the judgments we have about what's wrong in our kids' lives that we feel responsible to help fix. In fact, I would say that the purpose and responsibility we feel is actually the driver of those feelings, the anxiety, the loneliness, frustration, disconnection, and judgment.
If we didn't care so much, if we didn't feel responsible for all of it, then we wouldn't feel so terrible about all of it. This sense of responsibility actually fuels the mindset traps our brains fall into, the catastrophizing and worst-case scenario thinking, taking things personally or blaming ourselves, perfectionism, validation seeking, overgeneralization. We judge ourselves for thinking this way, for spinning in anxiety and judgment, and we start to think there's something wrong with us that we're up in the middle of the night and can't let go of the spinning thoughts in our head.
Why can't we just let it go? Seriously, how many times have you said to yourself, what's wrong with me? Like I must be broken because I'm not better able to cope with my life. But my friend, I want to invite you to consider that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you if you feel this way. In fact, these mindset traps are simply your brain's way of trying to protect you and your child from danger, from failure and disappointment, from hurt.
Your brain is trying to solve a problem for you. When I finally understood this, I started to discover a whole different level of compassion for myself and my mind. Suddenly my type A perfectionist catastrophizing brain wasn't a liability, not a sign that there was something wrong with me, but rather a sign of how dedicated my mind was to the problem of taking care of my family.
Let it go? Absolutely not. Something I've heard often from my clients is this idea that we're so focused on taking care of the needs of everyone around us, sometimes it feels like there's nothing left for us. We put ourselves last, or we realize that decades of focusing on others has left us feeling like we don't even know what we want for ourselves.
Or we're so exhausted from the stress of raising our teens that we don't know how to cope anymore. So who's taking care of you while you're taking care of everyone else? Who's helping you work through your anxiety? Who's helping you release your anger and frustration? Who's filling the void of loneliness and purpose in your life as your kids break away from the nest? Who's encouraging you to go after your dreams? Who's making you feel like you have meaning? That you have value in life beyond your role as a mom? Some of us are lucky to have kids that cheer us on back. Maybe you have a partner who supports whatever you want to do.
Maybe a best friend who you can call at all hours when things get too much. Maybe you have some self-care go-tos like yoga or long hikes. Maybe that glass of wine at the end of the day that takes the edge off.
Whatever ways you find to cope, I'm sure you're grateful for those outlets. But have you noticed that these sources of support don't actually solve the problem for you? Our partner or girlfriend can commiserate or tell us it'll all be okay, but in the end, you're still left with the problem. The sympathy or the empathy doesn't change the circumstance.
And yoga or wine can definitely take the edge off, calm your nervous system a bit. But hours later, you find yourself triggered again. Kid is still struggling, still giving you the silent treatment.
The challenge is still in front of you. The hard truth is that other people can't take away our pain. And quite often, we can't change the circumstances of our lives in the near term.
So the bottom line is, you are the only one who can actually help yourself through the challenges of your life. I'm not saying that you can't lean on other people or expect others to support you, of course. But that pain isn't going to let go of you until you let go of it.
Now, you're probably wondering how to do that, especially if you can't change the challenging circumstances of your life. We're so used to trying to prevent danger and fix things and advocate for solutions. We're used to trying to make things better as the solution to our pain.
And for so long with our kids, it's worked. But the older our kids get, we find ourselves still trying to do everything we can to help and support them. But we still can't make everything better.
We can't take away their pain or their struggle. And so then it feels like we can't take care of ours. So how can we as moms weather the seasons of this time of life? How can we take care of ourselves? What you really need isn't another date with a girlfriend or a meditation class, although those things are amazing.
Instead, today I want to give you a roadmap to truly care for yourself on a deeper emotional level. As I was going through it this week, I thought through how I was caring for myself and working through my anxiety and my stress. And so I thought I'd share these steps with you.
The very first thing I did was sink into total compassion for my stress and anxiety. Do you realize that what we almost always do when we feel anxiety is to fight against it? We fight to get rid of it. We work harder to get through it.
And we judge ourselves for having it. We might even get angry that it's coming up for us. We feel this sense of frustration.
Why am I feeling this way? There must be something wrong with me or something I need to fix. And look, it makes sense that we don't want to feel stressed or anxious. But consider that by fighting these feelings or shaming and judging ourselves for experiencing them, we're actually just making these feelings bigger.
Just imagine shoving so much in a closet that you have to push the stuff in, close the door and get everything to fit. First of all, the mess is still in there just behind the door. And the moment you open the door, it's just going to come tumbling out in a huge pile.
Resisting these big feelings doesn't solve them or make them go away. Imagine instead giving yourself total compassion. I think of how I would most want to show up for my boys when they're anxious or stressed.
I would never want to say to them, what's wrong with you? You shouldn't be so anxious. And I definitely wouldn't tell them to suck it up or to work harder so they could feel better. What I'd really want to do is validate their feelings.
I'd want to give them a big hug and let them know that I was there for them. I'd want to tell them I know it's no fun to feel this way. What I'd really want to do for my kids is love them through it.
Imagine the power of someone just being there to acknowledge your feelings and telling you that they were there for you. Even if they can't take away the pain, the power of being seen, of being understood. Imagine giving yourself that same grace.
Imagine feeling anxious and saying to yourself, I'm here. I've got you. It's no fun to feel this way, but we're in this together.
This week when the fight or flight would come over me, I wouldn't fight it or try to talk myself out of it. I would simply breathe and say, here it is. I'm anxious.
This is just my body reacting to what's going on in my life right now. It's interesting when you consider that the reason our bodies react with this fight or flight response is because they are literally designed to have the instinct to survive. It's interesting when you consider that the reason our bodies react with this fight or flight response is because our bodies are literally designed to have the instinct to survive.
Our endocrine system immediately goes into action when our mind perceives a threat to our safety. And these instincts are incredibly powerful, designed in fact to save our lives. And while there are times when these powerful instincts likely have kept us from hurting ourselves, allowed us to respond immediately to some danger we weren't expecting, the reality is our lives today aren't dangerous.
But our bodies are still responding to these everyday stresses as if our lives literally are in danger. So I think there's something really powerful, particularly when it comes to anxiety, but you can do this with any emotion. There's power in simply acknowledging that you are experiencing an emotion and that this is simply being represented by a series of physical sensations in your body.
In the case of anxiety, that physical response can truly feel like a fight or flight response. Even by acknowledging this anxiety, you're initiating a parasympathetic response that down-regulates the anxiety. Look, it doesn't magically make the anxiety disappear, but think of the alternative when you're pushing it away or fighting against it.
Even more, using the experience of anxiety as evidence that you really should be anxious about something and then spinning in more worst-case scenarios. So I spent a lot of time this week simply saying to myself, this is anxiety. This is just the experience of anxiety.
I also gave myself permission to give myself what I needed. To be honest, my instinct is often to work harder, to just keep working through the stress and the anxiety in hopes that on the other side of the effort, I'll feel better. And there were definitely moments when I still went there, but I also gave myself permission to just stop.
I gave myself permission to let go of things that weren't critical. I gave myself the freedom to lie down and close my eyes and just breathe. I asked myself what I needed and I listened.
I honored those needs. A question that I think is really powerful to ask yourself is, what do I really need right now? You might be surprised at how often the answer is, I just need a little self-compassion, a chance to let myself off the hook just for a bit. We hold on to so much responsibility for everyone else around us.
And look, I know that that's not something that's easy to let go of. Maybe we don't even want to let go of it. But can you at least give yourself some credit for doing your best? Even if that doesn't look like exactly what you want it to look like.
So often I see my clients beating themselves up, telling themselves they're doing it wrong and they don't even see it. They don't even realize how much self-judgment they're holding on to. In fact, I think we often have this mindset that the self-judgment is required to hold us accountable to our goals.
You might even be thinking, how can I take myself off the hook without everything going to hell? If I don't do it, who else is going to do it? And I hear you. But also, this is exactly why we hold on to so much stress and anxiety. Do you realize that you literally don't have to do a thing? Not one thing.
You don't have to get out of bed in the morning. You don't have to get groceries. You don't have to return that phone call or cook dinner.
You don't have to go to work or show up to that meeting. And before you start to argue, just consider that everything you do from the moment you wake up in the morning, every single thing you do is a choice that you're making. I like to remind myself of that because so often we get into this have-to mindset where everything feels like this looming obligation rather than a choice we're making.
For me, when I remind myself there's nothing I have to do today, it's not so much an exercise of deciding to do nothing, but more of a Marie Kondo-ing of my to-do list. There's nothing I have to do today, but what do I choose? The things that go back on my list are the things that are most important to me. Not always my favorite things, but things in that moment that I decide are important tasks or goals.
In fact, just this morning I did this exercise as a kind of what do I want to create over this weekend exercise? What is it that I want most in my life right now? And just before I did this exercise, I'd been thinking of all of the untackled items on my to-do list and I was already sensing the anxiety coming up for me. But when I asked the question, what is it that I really want to create here? The first thing on that list that I wanted to create was more joy. The truth is, I've been so focused on all of the things that my brain is telling me I have to do, that all of that stress and anxiety was actually crowding out my joy.
Joy I have the power to create in something as simple as a lunch with a friend, or a text to plan a dinner, or a call to my sister. How often are you asking yourself what you really want or need, rather than telling yourself what you have to do? How often are you giving yourself credit for trying your best, rather than beating yourself up for all the ways you're not good enough? It takes intentional space and self-compassion to see that your mindset is creating your emotional experience. We think life is making us anxious, that whatever's happening with our teens is making us worried or frustrated.
But when we blame our emotions on the world, then it's no wonder we feel so powerless to feel better. Consider this question. If you can't blame your life for how you feel, then why do you feel the way that you do? Now this question isn't about more self-blame.
It's about taking power back over your emotional experience. So for me, if I couldn't blame the process, or my boys, or my to-do list for my anxiety, then what was creating it? The truth is, my anxiety is about how I want my son to feel successful through the college process, and how I feel responsible to help him, but also powerless. I fear disappointment.
I wish he didn't have to be under so much stress. I wish there was more I could do to support my son in college. I wish my to-do list wasn't so long.
I could go on and on. So many thoughts in my head about how I'm afraid about future pain, how I wish things were different, about how I'm taking responsibility for things not in my control, and how I'm also taking on so much responsibility that it's more than one person can actually accomplish in any given day. My friend, it's no wonder I feel anxious.
When I look at all of the thoughts running around in my head, how else am I supposed to feel? But as I'm honest with myself about all of these thoughts, I can find a bit of breathing room. There are some thoughts I'm not able to let go of right now. The fear of disappointment and holding on to big dreams for my son in the college process.
I'm not ready to let this one go, and so I'm going to hold space for it. I'm going to support myself and him through this because I'm choosing to feel anxious about this. I care so much and believe so much in my son's dreams that I'm willing to hold on to my fears about all of it.
The other day I texted my boy something I want to share with you, and it starts with a quote I heard recently. You are fighting for more than you've ever had. My loves, each one of us is working hard to realize our dreams.
Sometimes it feels great, but often it feels really hard. It's easy to question yourself or to feel disappointed. To fear that what you've been working so hard to achieve will never happen.
But this is the journey. We have big goals, and sometimes that means we have to work harder than we think we're capable of to achieve it. Whether it's finding love, achieving a specific goal, or just creating more of what we love about life.
This is the work we're all doing. I've wanted you each to know how much I love you and how much I believe in you. I see you fighting for more than you've ever had, and it's hard work.
And I believe in you. My friend, I wonder if right now in your life you could also be fighting for more than you've ever had. Whether that's a big goal or simply more peace, more joy, more trust in this next phase of your life.
You are fighting for something, and this can be hard work. It can come with anxiety and self-doubt and sadness, frustration and judgment, disappointment, even failure. It might be worth considering that some of these painful emotions are worth it.
Maybe even required to become this next version of yourself. But I think we can also make it harder on ourselves than we have to. Look, I know that I'm going to have to hold space for my anxiety about the college process until my son has decided where he wants to go.
That's an emotion I'm choosing. But I'm also choosing to let go of other layers of my anxiety. I'm choosing to let go of the worst case scenario drama.
Although I'm worried about the college process, I also know my son is going to do great no matter where he goes to college. I'm also choosing to let go of all of the anxiety I have about all the things I quote-unquote have to do by intentionally deciding what I want to do, being realistic about what I can do, and letting that be enough. That is also a decision I'm making.
We don't often realize how much our emotions can get tied up into these big, dark balls so that they feel overwhelming. Imagine being able to unfurl that ball of heaviness and understanding deeply why you feel the way that you do, and then being able to choose which emotions you need to process and which you can honestly let go of right now, right in this moment. This is the process I teach in my one-on-one coaching program, Mom 2.0, empowering you to understand your emotional experience, to understand how powerful your mindset is, how it keeps you stuck in painful emotion, and how it can also propel you to achieve big goals, or just to find more peace and happiness in your life.
What I've found is the key to truly taking care of myself is to know and love myself so deeply that I'm able to handle every season of my life. I am in a stressful period, but this is a season. It won't last forever.
And I'm deeply aware that this season with my son, my baby at home, is a fleeting moment. This time next year he'll be away at school and I will officially be an empty nester. And it strikes me that what I want more than anything else is to be present in this moment with my son, to find joy in every hug and conversation, to feel gratitude for the moments when he accepts my help or asks for my advice.
We can get so caught up in our pain that we miss the opportunity to experience our lives. The human experience is inevitably full of joy and pain, but which of those are you more focused on? Can you imagine being able to experience more of that joy because you know how to take care of your pain? You are so much more capable and powerful than you know, my friend. These tools are already within you and I can show you how to use them.
As your coach, I can help you learn how to take care of you on a deeper level than anyone else ever could. You take care of everyone else. It's time for you to give yourself permission to give that unconditional love and support to yourself.
Until next time, my friend.
If you enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review and check out our coaching program MOM 2.0 at www.thesmalljar.com. You have more power than you think, my friend.
