MOM ARCHETYPE #2 - THE ACHIEVER
Welcome to the Small Jar Podcast, where we moms of teens find the power to step off the emotional roller coaster between motherhood and the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins. Episode number 107.
Hello, my friends. I'm back with another episode in the Mom Archetype series. I've already covered the Guardian archetype, and today I want to focus on the Achiever.
But before I get into that, I have something to share with you. Yesterday, I had an incredibly profound experience with one of my boys that I have to say was only possible because of all of the work I've done on myself. Let me paint this picture for you.
I got home, and one of my sons was in the kitchen. We talked for a minute, and for some reason, I asked, is everything okay? There was nothing obviously wrong, I just had this sixth sense. And he responded by saying, no, it's not.
I think I need a hug. Now, I have to back up and explain why this is so extraordinary. Maybe you'll be able to relate to it a bit.
I don't get hugs from my sons very often. When they were little, we hugged all the time. But once they got to middle school, I think I learned to respect their space and boundaries a bit more.
As much as I still would have loved to hug them, I didn't want to force it. Middle school is such an awkward time. And over the years, I guess I just learned to be happy with letting them take the lead.
I mean, for sure, I would hug them on special occasions or when they got good news. I definitely hugged my oldest son tight and many times before I dropped him off at college this fall. It's not like I haven't hugged them.
But this hug was different. This was a I-need-my-mom kind of hug. And it wasn't the typical hug-and-quick-release hugs I'm used to.
It was the hold-on-tight kind of hug. It lasted three or four minutes. And let me just tell you, this hug was such a gift.
Now, if this same thing had happened before all of the work I'd done on myself, on my mindset, on understanding my motivations and vulnerabilities, really before I understood my mom archetype, if this situation had happened to me before, I wouldn't have seen the beauty of this moment. Because the fact is that my son was hurting. And there's nothing about that that's a gift, obviously.
What I would have done before is I would have started asking questions even before the hug ended. My mind would have been spiraling in worst-case scenarios. Was he in trouble? Was it his grades? A girl past me would have panicked, wanting to understand what had gotten my son so upset.
My son, who rarely gets emotional. Him being upset is definitely a remarkable and even an alarming thing for me. So it would have been absolutely natural for me to be concerned and want to know what's going on.
To be honest, I would have probably broken the hug early and would have been pestering him with questions. I would have demanded to know. And even without knowing, my mind would be halfway towards figuring out a solution to 10 of the possible problems I'd imagined.
But instead, I just hugged him. My beautiful son who was hurting and asked for a hug. And in that moment, because of everything I've done to understand me, I was able to give my son exactly what he needed.
A hug from his mom. What an incredible privilege and gift to be in that moment with him. One of the biggest reasons I was able to do this was because I was able to hold space for my son's pain and not make it mean that his pain was a problem I had to fix.
I can do this not because I have some superpower that other moms might not have, but I was able to not take on my son's pain because I learned the way my mom mind works. Not how it's broken, but how it's always working perfectly. But sometimes, in its effort to protect me, it creates pain instead of peace.
Can you believe that as I held my son in his pain, before I had any idea what was going on with him, I felt gratitude and peace. We moms of teens love our kids so much that the ups and downs of parenting at this stage of life can feel really challenging. We want our kids to be safe, happy, and successful.
We feel responsible to help them achieve these goals. We've been doing it for so long. Of course we do.
It's almost habit at this point. And I think the beautiful thing about this habit, or really any habit, is that we keep doing these things because they've worked for us in the past. The way we've raised our children, we have all, I'm willing to bet, observed that these strategies or parenting habits worked really well when our kids were little.
We kept them safe. We were able to make them happy even when they were sad. We monitored their milestones.
If they seemed to be behind, we sought out support. We have done everything we could think to do to support our kids over many, many years. And we've been successful.
And let's face it, this success has made us happy. It's fueled our sense of purpose and fulfillment. So let's celebrate that for a moment.
Because all too often we focused on the negative. How we worry too much or we can't let go. We need to stop nagging or nitpicking.
Not be so controlling. Stop catastrophizing. Our internal dialogue can be so harsh.
So with this Mom Archetype series, I'm taking a step back to reflect on our strengths. Those strengths that have made us successful as we've dedicated our lives to raising our kids. To the skills and the mindset that have created so many positive results in our lives.
These Mom Archetypes I've created are like a Myers-Briggs or Enneagram style holistic view of who we are as moms. Not defined by our challenges, but rather by our strengths. Each of these types are the kind of mom who loves her kids and tries her best.
But these archetypes aren't meant to be all or nothing. At different times or different stages, in different situations, each of us might lean into the direction of any one of these four Mom Archetypes. And I should also say that these types aren't just about who we are as moms when we parent our kids.
These types are actually even more about who we are as women and how we relate to our responsibility and role as a mother. How we relate to ourselves as women approaching a time when, or even as a woman already in the midst of a time when our kids don't need her as much anymore. So before I get into this Mom Archetype, if you haven't already done so, I want to encourage you to take the Mom Archetype quiz, which you can find on my website, www.thesmalljar.com. So the four types are the Guardian, the Achiever, the Nurturer, and the Mentor.
And this week, I'm going to cover the Achiever. Once again, the Achiever loves her kids and wants them to be safe, happy, and successful. In fact, this Mom Type has, in many areas of her life, been driven to achieve success.
This Mom Type is proactive. She's a problem solver, a fixer. She's the kind of woman who sees challenges as opportunities to set things right.
If she doesn't know the answer, she's going to do everything in her power to find out. This Mom takes initiative and is resilient. And in so many ways, these traits have allowed her to achieve great success in her life, whether that be in her professional career, her volunteer efforts, or personal pursuits.
Now, if you've taken the Mom Archetype quiz and you've scored high for the Achiever Archetype, or if you're listening to this episode and you're not feeling particularly confident or successful these days, keep listening. I've worked with so many Achiever Moms who actually didn't think of themselves in this way at all. I want to invite you to zoom out on your life.
Don't just focus on parenting. Think about your career before you had kids or in the way that you engage with any of the goals that you have in your life. For example, I've met many Achiever Moms who have been very active in their communities, maybe in their PTAs, their churches, or other local nonprofits.
They've run fundraisers, fairs, or food drives. They've sat on PTA boards or educational foundations. They've served as advocates for educational improvement in their communities.
The Achiever is able to mobilize people and resources for any powerful cause. The Achiever might also have been a really good student herself. Maybe she pursued advanced degrees before having kids.
I've known many women who achieved their PhD, then gone on to raise kids, and then somehow still discount themselves if they didn't go on to leverage their PhD professionally. These moms are Achievers. Achievers might also be the moms who are the boss when it comes to keeping the family and home running efficiently.
She manages the crazy family schedule. She arranges the carpools. She knows when everyone needs to get dropped off and picked up.
She knows what groceries are needed and who'll be home for dinner. We often discount these contributions to the success of our families because it just feels domestic, housework. Can you take a moment to appreciate the incredible organizational and multitasking skills required to keep our families moving in the right direction? The Achiever mom is the CEO of the household.
She holds everyone accountable to goals and deliverables. She's often in charge of managing the household finances. These are all incredible skills and a sign of someone who values the success of her family.
Of course, this benefits our partners as much as our children. Women who work inside the home by raising kids are then affording their partner the opportunity to focus on their career to provide financial support to the family. This strategic and supportive role is no less critical to the achievement and success of the family.
The Achiever could also have pursued creative success. Maybe she's a writer or an artist, maybe a musician. She could have taken steps to start a small business, launch a blog, or run a side hustle.
No matter the scale of these efforts, they're all a testament to the Achiever's drive, dedication, and talent. The Achiever could also be highly focused on personal development. She might be dedicated to fitness and health or mastering skills like mindfulness.
She's always growing and this work requires discipline and commitment. Again, these are all attributes of the Achiever and none of these have anything to do with parenting your kids. So don't discount yourself as an Achiever simply because you think of achievement in a narrow way.
For example, only relating it to a professional career. In short, I don't want you to think of the Achiever as the career-driven professional. The Achiever is more defined by her mindset and the value she places on achieving goals, solving problems, and getting things done and moving things forward.
So the Achiever has likely pursued success in many areas of her life outside of raising kids. But of course, when she becomes a mom, she channels these strengths into parenting and helping her kids reach their potential. Let's talk about some of the specific ways the Achiever mom's skills and values benefit her kids.
First, her dedication to excellence sets a powerful example. Whether you realize it or not, your kids are always watching and they see us working hard and persevering through challenges. The Achiever mom's problem-solving skills teach her children how to approach challenges methodically.
When our kids face obstacles, we take them through the steps to overcome them. Sometimes that's identifying the problem. Sometimes it involves researching or brainstorming solutions.
It often means learning how to self-advocate. Even if we're the ones leading the charge and solving problems, we're also modeling this behavior for our kids as they grow up. As we've all seen with our teens and very likely in our own lives, growing up involves disappointment and even failure at times.
The Achiever mom values and models resilience and perseverance. She actively shows her children how to handle failure constructively. When her child gets a low test grade, she'll encourage them to study harder.
She may even hire a tutor. When her kid gets cut from the team, she might encourage them to keep practicing and come back to try out again next year. Or she might help her child find an alternative sport to try, teaching her child both perseverance and adaptability.
When the Achiever manages the busy household and the crazy schedule, she's not only supporting her children's dreams and goals, but she's modeling a structured environment. She shows her children the importance of time management and organization, of being on time, balancing priorities, prioritizing schoolwork, and balancing other obligations like extracurricular activities and social life. Now look, there are many times when even the Achiever mom feels like she's failing to get her kids to understand the importance of being organized and staying on top of deadlines.
I've coached so many Achiever moms on the fight about keeping rooms clean. The point here is that you're modeling these skills. In a few minutes, I'll get to why it's a problem when our kids don't immediately seem to take these skills on themselves right away.
No matter what area of her life the Achiever is setting about, achieving her own personal goals, this mom is demonstrating the importance of taking initiative and setting these goals in the first place. And this is an area where the Achiever mom excels. Setting goals, and more specifically, helping her kids set and achieve their own goals.
Whether our kids want to do better in school, learn to play an instrument, or get better in a sport, the Achiever mom is literally the momager, getting the equipment, the tutor, the trainer, setting up the practice schedule, offering study reminders, tracking deadlines and test dates, maybe even rewarding progress. The Achiever mom helps foster in her kids a goal-oriented mindset and a strong work ethic. At the end of the day, success very rarely happens by accident.
And the Achiever mom strives to instill in her kids a dedication to diligence, persistence, and effort. The Achiever mom also values personal growth and learning new skills. So this is the kind of mom who likely prioritized reading to her kids.
She might have encouraged educational hobbies. Ultimately, her goal was to instill a sense of intellectual curiosity in her kids. All this to say, the Achiever mom is an incredible source of support and motivation for her teens.
Because if her kids face challenges, she'll immediately start looking for solutions. This mom is a role model to her kids, whether she realizes it or not. It's so powerful to think about how broadly the concept of success and achievement can be applied when we think about our own lives.
And this also applies to our kids. We want our kids to be successful in every area, academically, socially, creatively, physically, when it comes to love relationships. There really is no area of our children's lives where we don't want them to be successful.
So the bar we set is very high. The way we moms, and in this way, I think that there's an Achiever mom in every single one of us. Because the way we contemplate our responsibility to help our kids be successful in every area of their lives is pretty ambitious.
But we don't really think about it that way, do we? In fact, we kind of think about it as the bare minimum. That they should try hard in school, get good grades, have friends, do some other activities outside of studying, sports, arts. In so many ways, in our minds, this is the key to happiness.
Their success. It's also interrelated. Because surely, if our kids are successful, they'll be happy, right? It is such a loaded question.
I've witnessed in my personal experience that academic success does not translate into happiness. My older son was always intellectually curious and excelled in school. I'll admit, for a long time, that made me feel successful as a mom.
I definitely see parts of myself in each of the four mom archetypes. But if I had to pick one that I lean into the most, it's the achiever archetype. So a few years ago, my son questioned my view of his path to success.
And I had a really hard time grappling with this different point of view. I almost lost my mind when he told me he was considering not going to college. Thankfully, this fight is long behind us.
And he did go to college. But there was a long period of time when our different point of view created a rift between us. And to be honest, we still have discussions about how he views success very differently than I do.
And this is just another example of how mindset work is instrumental in creating or alternatively hurting the connection we have with our kids. And let me just say here, because this is really important, I don't believe that what we do as moms, when we're truly trying our best, I don't believe that we ever hurt our kids or intentionally hurt the connection we have with them. This is an important point to make because so many of us feel guilt or shame around fights we've had with our kids or the growing distance we see in our relationships.
We think that we've done something wrong to cause this. I think there's a very big difference between taking responsibility for our actions and blaming ourselves. For example, if I say something I regret or I lose my temper with my kids, I can honestly reflect on that and take accountability.
Certainly, I can apologize and I can try to learn from that experience to consider how I would approach it differently in the future. But no matter what I say or do, my kids are going to have their own thoughts and reactions to that. And there's nothing I can do about that.
In fact, I could say everything right and exactly how I would script it in advance. And my boys could judge that whatever I said was the wrong thing. Annoying, controlling, lame.
They hear the words I say and they actually get to think whatever they want to think about it. Same thing if I say something I really regret. They can choose to think it's not a big deal or they can take serious offense to it.
It's all up to them. So as I move into the vulnerabilities of any of these malmark types, specifically the mindset traps we might be likely to fall into, which might cause us to react or behave in ways that are counterproductive, I want to encourage you to keep in mind that your behavior and actions create your results, your emotional experience. You can't actually control what your kids think, feel, or do.
And this is a particular challenge for the Achiever Mom. So as our teens grow up, they face challenges that we can't fix. Honestly, I don't think we ever had total control over our kids' safety, happiness, and success.
But it felt like we did, didn't it? Well, that illusion goes out the window when we see our kids taking risks and testing boundaries in ways that they never would have when they were younger. We see them having big, negative feelings that we can't make better with a hug or an ice cream cone. We see our kids not taking the steps we think they should be taking to be successful.
And we try so hard to get them to see why all of it's important, and they ignore us, do the opposite, defy us entirely. This is hard for all of us moms, but the Achiever Mom in all of us struggles particularly with this challenge. Now, our brains are wired to help us stay safe, to seek pleasure, and to be efficient.
This is literally built into our DNA as an innate, instinctual mode of operation. If you're in danger, your body will react. Without needing to think actively about it, you will physically react to keep yourself safe.
This same innate reaction drives us to seek pleasure and simplify our lives. So this motivation, in fact, it's called the motivational triad, is a really good thing. But because our lives aren't, in this day and age, inherently dangerous, and there's pleasure readily available to all of us at all times, sometimes these innate, instinctual reactions we have don't support our higher goals.
Think of it this way. We have an innate desire for pleasure, which we might find in a piece of cake or a glass of wine. But too much of that pleasure doesn't help us, could actually make us feel sick.
So in the same way we might supervise our cravings for more cake, we have the chance to supervise our mind in other ways as well. So the value the Achiever Mom places on the quest for success aligns with our inherent desire to seek pleasure. Let's face it, if you're someone who values success, then achievement towards your goals or your kids' achievements towards their goals brings you immense pleasure and happiness.
In other ways, the Achiever Mom's brain might perceive that organization and a methodical approach to solving problems makes our lives more efficient. But the flip side of all of this is that we can perceive lack of success or lack of organization as failure in a negative way. And that leads to feelings of deep discomfort, disappointment, shame, guilt, and despair.
We've all experienced these feelings at some point in our lives and it's not fun. So in the same way we might seek achievement in order to feel more pleasure, we can also be desperate to avoid failure to avoid this emotional pain of experiencing it. So these innate instincts paired with the Achiever archetype can make you vulnerable to particular mindset traps.
And this is where what I call the fix-it mindset comes in. Now these mindset traps aren't unique to us as moms. They apply to every single one of us.
And it's actually a sign that our brains are working perfectly. But mindset traps can lead us to misinterpret information or get stuck in a way of thinking that's counterproductive. Consider that every strength you have can have a corresponding weakness or vulnerability.
So for example, it's certainly a strength to be a problem solver, to be confident in your ability to face challenges. But this same confidence can lead us moms to fall into the trap of the illusion of control. Now this can be such a trigger word for us because don't you hate it when your team calls you controlling? Because in our mind, it's not about control.
It's about supporting our teens on their path to reaching their potential. But as I said before, when our kids were little, it was so much easier to direct them to take the path we thought was right. Now our kids are starting to develop their own concept of the path they think is right for them.
And often we don't agree. So it ends up feeling like a battle of wills at times. We're just trying to get them to see why we're right.
But no matter what we do, we can't control our kids' thoughts about their life. We can't control their happiness or actions. And although we don't ever think of it as trying to control them, we do want to fix it.
And this is one big area where The Achiever Mom's gifts as a problem solver can actually create pain for her as she grapples with her inability to help her kids be safe, happy, and successful. The Achiever Mom can also fall into the trap of personalization, what I sometimes call mom guilt. Our kids' success is a top priority for us as moms.
And so it's not unusual for all of us, but particularly The Achiever Mom, to take her teens' failures personally. It can feel like our kids' struggles reflect our own failures and inadequacy as a parent. I can't tell you how many of my clients have shared with me that their son or daughter faces some struggle because I did X, Y, and Z wrong.
We can't help but blame ourselves. But as I said before, we literally have no control over our teen success or failure, even though we might like to think that we do. So personalization is actually a mindset trap because we're taking the blame for something over which we actually have no control.
The other mindset traps in the fix-it mindset are confirmation bias and emotional reasoning. Confirmation bias involves only focusing on facts or information that confirm our pre-existing beliefs about what's going on. For example, if you think your teen is struggling academically, you're very likely to focus only on the low grades and not on the high grades, or focus only on how they're not doing their homework instead of the times when they do.
The other mindset trap, emotional reasoning, is when you take your feelings as evidence that there's a problem. So when you feel guilty, you take that as evidence that you did, in fact, do something wrong. Or if you feel frustrated with your teen, that can fuel your conviction that they're doing something wrong.
Both emotional reasoning and confirmation bias are like adding kindling to this fire of guilt and anxiety that we already might feel as the achiever mom. I just want to reiterate that it's so important to celebrate and acknowledge that the achiever mom in all of us has had a positive impact on our kids' lives, largely because they've trusted us and agreed with us when they were young kids. But when our kids start forming their own view of what it means to be safe, happy, and successful, it becomes very clear that we are, in fact, not in control.
The achiever is used to being able to swoop in and fix whatever's wrong, but that's often not easy or entirely impossible. This is a really uncomfortable place to be for the achiever, to be in a position where she can't fix the problems she sees with her teens. The even bigger challenge is that when faced with this powerlessness, it doesn't seem like an option to just let go.
My clients have said to me it feels irresponsible to just give up and let my teens do whatever they want. This is why the journey of raising teens is less about the right way to parent than it is about trusting ourselves to do what's right for our kids and the relationship we want to have with them. Look, each of our kids are different.
We each have different values. But as a quick fix, it's tempting to want to seek out expert opinions on how to get your teen to listen or do what you want them to do. But it's important to recognize that no strategy is going to work universally.
You know in your heart how you want to support your child. The problem for many of us is that we take action or parent from feelings of stress and guilt and anxiety rather than from confidence, peace and trust. And often particularly for the achiever mom, she's taking action from anxiety and frustration stemming from these mindset traps.
The illusion of control, personalization, confirmation bias. These thought errors ultimately cause us to act out in ways that we regret or that honestly don't allow us to connect with our teen in a way that's effective. Imagine finding the peace and confidence to trust yourself to be the mom you want to be for your child.
When my son told me he was thinking of not going to college, I lost it. My view of what I want for my kid's success, for better or for worse, involves going to college. That was always the plan.
And he agreed until all of a sudden he didn't. So my brain went on high alert. This was absolutely unacceptable to me.
I have to change his mind. So my actions in that moment were all fueled by anxiety and even anger. Can you imagine what would have been different for me in that moment if I had heard my son's words from a place of peace and confidence? I might have asked questions.
I might have had a productive and meaningful conversation about my son's concerns and fears about college. I might have connected more deeply with him. But instead, I reacted from anger and ended up pushing him away.
Even though I regret that conversation, it has been one among many opportunities for me to take a deeper look at who I am and my relationship with myself. My friends, finding this peace requires that you create a new relationship with yourself. These mom archetypes aren't just about who we are as moms when we parent our kids.
These types are actually even more about who we are as women and how we relate to our responsibility and role as a mother. We're approaching a time when our kids will have to navigate their own road to success in their own way. How can we navigate the push and pull of giving them autonomy without letting go of our belief in their potential? How can we come to terms with our own view of what our kid's achievement means to us and our success as moms? What if you could both acknowledge your deep desire to see your kids be successful and allow the discomfort of trusting yourself to decide when and whether it's appropriate for them to navigate this road on their own? All of this work that I have done on the relationship I have with myself and the same work I do with my clients in my Mom 2.0 program, all of this has carried me to the moment I had with my son this week.
I am that achiever mom who would literally move mountains to protect my boys, to help them be safe and happy, to help them be successful. And I sat in that kitchen holding my beautiful boy who now towers over me. I didn't even know the category that was making him sad.
Was he in danger? Was he heartbroken? Did he fail? I had absolutely no idea. But instead of jumping to problem-solve and try to fix whatever was wrong, I trusted myself to notice all of the red flags still going off in my mind and just stop, and be exactly the mom my son needed in that moment.
He said, “I need a hug.” And that’s exactly what I was able to give him.
Success in life is so much less about the achievements and accolades than it is about who you are on the journey.
This is the work we do in my coaching program Mom 2.0. You already know who you want to be as a mom and as a woman approaching your next chapter. That version of you is already within you. To learn how to trust yourself to step into that version of you, check out Mom 2.0.
Until next time, my friends.
If you enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review and check out our coaching program, Mom 2.0 at www.thesmalljar.com. You have more power than you think, my friend.
