MOM ARCHETYPE #1: THE GUARDIAN
Welcome to the Small Jar Podcast, where we moms of teens find the power to step off the emotional rollercoaster between motherhood and the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins. Episode number 104.
Hello, my friends. I am one week into recovery from foot surgery, and let me tell you, the first few days were physically uncomfortable. But what's been even more uncomfortable as time has gone by is that I feel helpless, powerless.
We can take for granted how easy the simple tasks of life are until life throws a wrench into it and suddenly, even showering or getting up and down the stairs become major projects. That's where I've been for the past week. Life isn't impossible, but definitely a whole lot more work.
I can't help but feel like I'm living a metaphor for raising teens. Remember when raising our kids felt so much easier? Don't get me wrong, I've never thought raising kids at any age was a walk in the park. Every stage has its challenges.
The infant and toddler years are physically exhausting. You're always on. The kids need constant oversight and attention.
My brother actually came to visit with his young boys this last weekend, and he and my sister-in-law were constantly managing their boys' care. I couldn't help but notice how luxurious it felt to be sipping my coffee, completely unconcerned for my own boys. One was still asleep and the other was awake and studying.
There was nothing they needed from me, and it felt kind of fabulous. I remember so clearly those early days with my boys when I'd have to wake up early with them. There was no such thing as sleeping in with toddlers.
And on the weekends, it would be a constant race to find ways to keep them occupied while managing basic household chores and responsibilities. There were certainly things that we worried about with our little kids, but the level of worry and anxiety we can feel when we're raising teens can be off the charts. Of course, for many of us, our kids becoming teens seems to track perfectly with us beginning to feel the effects of menopause.
So it's really no wonder that we start thinking that something's wrong with us because we're feeling so anxious all the time. I don't want to discount the relief that some of us could feel by taking anti-anxiety medication, particularly if your anxiety feels like it's becoming debilitating. I also think hormone replacement therapy can be a solution for some women looking to stabilize their hormones.
Although I will say that since our hormones are all over the place during perimenopause, it can feel almost impossible to find the right dosing of HRT until your body's actually stopped making hormones altogether. None of these solutions are perfect for everyone, although they can be helpful to some. But what I've found, having honestly explored both of these options, is that even when you take medication or HRT to manage or reduce physical symptoms of anxiety, you're still left with your mind, which is ultimately the source of your emotions.
Now, having said this, if you feel anxiety, it also doesn't mean that there's something wrong with your mind. In fact, I know from personal experience there are quite a few real dangers that our kids face as they grow up. This isn't just us being overdramatic or overprotective.
And look, our kids have also benefited from our focus on their health and safety for their entire lives. This is an instinct you don't just let go or give up on just because your kid decides they want more freedom or independence. In last week's episode, I did an overview of my own version of the four mom archetypes.
If you've ever done Myers-Briggs or Enneagram, the mom archetypes I've created serve a similar purpose. Essentially, archetypes offer a representative model of ways that we, as moms, engage with our teens. Like with Enneagram and other similar models, these archetypes highlight common traits, the role we play as a mom, and the things we might be particularly focused on.
They highlight our strengths and also the particular challenges we might face or vulnerabilities we might have because of the perspective or the way we tend to view our role as mothers. There are a number of ways these archetypes can be helpful to us as moms in our own journey of self-discovery. First, it helps us gain insight into our own parenting style, again appreciating our strengths as well as areas for growth.
So often, we're quick to identify areas where we think that we're not good enough. So many women have come to me feeling like something's wrong with them, that they feel anxious about their teen and have trouble talking themselves out of their anxiety. But imagine finding compassion for your anxiety and being able to understand it and make decisions without being ruled by that same fear and anxiety.
In sharing these models, these archetypes, I also want to offer a sense of community and connection. If you feel anxious as you raise your teens, you are certainly not alone. You're also not broken.
I've worked with so many women in this place and I have myself felt overwhelming anxiety in connection with my own boys in the past. The feelings you're experiencing actually make perfect sense. But if you don't understand where these feelings are coming from, you can almost fall into a sense of powerlessness over your emotional well-being.
Consider that when you feel alone, powerless, and afraid, how much worse a position to be in than if you felt supported, empowered, and a little scared. Maybe it's not the anxiety that's actually the problem, but these feelings of isolation and powerlessness that compound the feelings of anxiety. So my goal here is to both empower you and to let you know that you are by no means alone in your experience of anxiety with your teens.
My hope is also that these archetypes offer you a new opportunity for personal growth. As I mentioned last week, each archetype makes us vulnerable to particular mindset traps. And by understanding both your strengths and your vulnerabilities, you can begin to leverage your strengths to break free of these traps, which are truly the underlying cause of your anxiety.
So let's dive into the guardian mom. I should also say that I think all of us have some traits of the guardian in us. The guardian loves her children and is dedicated to ensuring her child's happiness, safety, and success.
And I'm taking these two traits as a given for all four of the archetypes, that we love our kids and we want them to be safe, happy, and successful. With these archetypes, I'm not attempting to model a mom who doesn't deeply care about her children. The guardian mom's guiding light is her desire to protect her child.
She's dedicated and displays empathy. She's meticulous in her attention to detail. This is the mom who is always there for her kids when they need her.
She can sense when her child is struggling and is always ready to offer emotional support. She keeps track of every detail. And by keeping her child on task and on track, she helps guard not only against danger, but against disappointment and missed opportunities.
This mom can sense danger and is proactive in helping her child avoid risks and problems. Not only does the guardian mom keep her child physically safe, but she provides a nurturing and secure environment that helps her child stay emotionally safe, because she's so connected to her child's needs and emotions. The guardian mom is such a gift to our kids.
And again, I see the guardian mom in all of us. So I did a bit of research into the question about whether the maternal instinct to protect our children is a natural, innate part of all of us women who become mothers, or if it's something that we've learned from our own mothers or society's influence. And here's what I've learned.
It's a bit of both. There's definitely evidence to suggest that there's a strong biological basis for maternal protectiveness. Going back to the topic of hormones, you've likely heard of the word oxytocin.
Some call it the love or the bonding hormone because it's powerfully connected to our emotions. Oxytocin is produced in the hypothalamus and released in response to particular triggers, including physical touch, social interaction, and emotional experiences. This is fascinating, actually.
Oxytocin enhances the emotional experience we have when we're connecting with other people. So if you get a hug from someone, your body releases oxytocin, which leads to feelings of closeness. Cuddling and kissing and sex, all of these physical connections release oxytocin and enhance our feelings of connection and well-being.
So if you have thoughts about someone that create a positive emotion for you, physically connecting with that person will release oxytocin, which only further enhances your positive emotion and connection. It's like your body's way of encouraging you to do more of that thing that makes you happy. Think of this from an evolutionary perspective.
To survive, prehistoric man had to stay in a pack. We had to reproduce. So this physical hormonal reinforcement of the benefits of staying connected and being close with those we love, it actually helped keep the human species alive.
So let's connect this biology to motherhood. During childbirth, oxytocin also helps stimulate contractions, which allow you to give birth. And then after childbirth, oxytocin helps us produce milk and also promotes feelings of empathy and connection during breastfeeding and any time we're holding or changing or playing with our baby, which is essentially all of the time when they're infants.
So just consider how much the biology of your body has reinforced the connection you have for your child. So here's the other interesting thing. Oxytocin fosters bonding and empathy, and it also drives a mother's instinct to protect and care for her offspring.
Oxytocin makes mothers more sensitive to their baby's cues, such as crying or changes in their facial expressions. The benefit of this is that we as moms respond quickly and appropriately to our baby's needs in a way that ensures that they're safe and we're managing their well-being. Interestingly, oxytocin also has a calming effect on us.
It helps moms stay cool under pressure, especially when we're in stressful situations with our babies. So when I learned this, my natural question was, why isn't oxytocin helping us stay calm and serene with our teens? And the answer is fascinating, so I'm going to get back to it. But first, here's another interesting facet of oxytocin.
Our bodies also release this hormone when we perceive a threat to our child. So here's how this works. We perceive a threat, our oxytocin levels rise, and this prepares us to respond to ensure our child's safety.
Oxytocin makes us more alert and vigilant and supports our ability to act quickly. Now, in the past, I've also talked about our fight-or-flight response, which we typically associate with the release of adrenaline and cortisol. So actually, when we're faced with danger, our brains signal the release of a number of hormones, including adrenaline and oxytocin, that help us react in a way that ensures our survival.
So adrenaline primes our bodies to take action. It increases our heart rate, blood pressure, and rate of breathing. But oxytocin actually counteracts the stress hormones by calming us down and reducing our feelings of fear and anxiety in that moment.
Have you ever been in a really stressful situation, but somehow you feel eerily calm and able to focus? That is, in part, the result of the release of oxytocin. It gives you the ability to focus and take action rather than panic. So by reducing a mother's fear in the face of danger, oxytocin actually allows us to face those challenges with courage and determination.
And of course, oxytocin plays a vital role as we continue to raise our kids because throughout their lives, our bond only continues to grow. And it's continually reinforced both by the release of oxytocin and the positive feedback we begin to receive from our kids as they reciprocate our love for them. All of this serves to reinforce the natural protective instinct we have for our children.
So there's so many ways that this protective nature, one of the key features of the guardian mom, is in many ways innate and reinforced by our physical biology. And again, from an evolutionary standpoint, this is brilliant. It makes perfect sense because a mother's basic instinct to protect her children is essential to the survival of our species.
So our bodies were essentially built to ensure our survival. So fascinating. But it's interesting that my research also uncovered that as much as our motherly protective traits are instinctual, they're also in many ways learned and influenced by our environment.
Different cultures approach parenting in different ways, and so it's inevitable that these norms influence our own behavior and approach to parenting. We've also spent a lifetime observing our own parents and their parenting style, and this could have influenced us to copy what they've done or could actually lead us to do something very different if we perceived that our parent style wasn't effective in keeping us safe. I do sometimes wonder how much we've been influenced by the fact that many of our parents were less involved or at least knew less about what we were doing than we know today.
Has it potentially made us more inclined to want to protect our kids because we're a bit less, can I say, naive about the danger and negative influences our kids might be up against? But over the course of many years, we raise our kids, and our instinct to protect our children is practiced and reinforced in a number of ways. When our kids are young, they rely on us for everything. Their dependence only strengthens our dedication and protective instincts because we start to internalize a sense of responsibility.
And look, not all mothers make the decision to take responsibility for their kids' well-being. But if you're here listening to this podcast, I'm sure that you are, in fact, a mother who has taken very seriously her responsibility to protect and support her child throughout their life. So over time, we as moms become experts in reading our kids' cues and understanding their needs, and this also reinforces and deepens our feelings of empathy for our kids.
We become adept at managing all of the aspects of our kids' lives, and this sharpens our attention to detail. See how all of this experience continues to reinforce the strengths of the guardian mom. This protective instinct, our empathy and attention to detail, these traits help us respond effectively to our kids' needs, but also have an incredibly positive benefit to our kids.
Our dedication for our kids gives them a sense of security. No matter what risk they've taken, and I'm talking about risks with a little r when they're little, we offer them a security blanket, a safe place to return to, a place to find comfort, security, and reassurance. I sometimes still joke with my boys that whenever they felt upset when I was leaving them at preschool or with a babysitter, I would always tell them, mommy's always come back.
It was a promise I would never intentionally break, and thankfully I never did. The empathy we feel for our kids also fosters their emotional intelligence. When we validate our child's feelings and demonstrate empathy, we in turn teach our kids how to identify and manage their own emotions.
By making our child feel understood and accepted, we foster their sense of trust and security. Now you don't need to be a parenting expert to have accomplished this. The love you feel for your child, your natural instinct to want to protect and support them, this has come through to your child in powerful ways.
Even if you, like me, have memories of losing your mind in frustration and not being able to handle the stress of parenting, none of us are perfect. But don't underestimate the power of you showing up day after day after day, doing your very best, and loving your child with all your heart. This has had a powerful impact on your child and their development.
The guardian mom, the crux of her role is to keep her child safe and secure. She's vigilant and proactive in addressing potential threats and challenges. She's also dedicated to her family, has a high degree of empathy, and also a strong attention to detail.
These traits allow her to raise her child to feel nurtured and secure. But no matter how easily we've sailed through raising our little kids, it's not unusual for us to hit a wall when we get to the teen years. We can wonder if all that vigilance, dedication, and empathy even paid off when we seem to be looking at a stranger when we look at our teen.
Or someone who's so focused on forging their own independence, we find we don't know what our role or relationship is anymore. I want to get back to that question of what oxytocin does for us, if anything, now that we're managing the stress of dealing with teens. I was wondering why this hormone doesn't seem to have as much of a positive, calming influence anymore.
So I mentioned how oxytocin helps us bond with our babies and encourages our instinctual reaction to care for their needs. So with a bit of research, I learned that there are definitely a few factors at play here. One is, yes, the issues we face when raising teens are much more complicated than they were when our kids were little.
Now, beyond simply meeting our kids' basic needs, we're also concerned about academic pressures, their social life, risk-taking behaviors, potentially our kids pulling away and testing boundaries. It's really likely that all of this ongoing chronic stress is no match for oxytocin, which is really designed to help keep us calm in the face of acute and immediate danger. Another interesting factor that may be at play here is that we're not as physically connected to our kids when they become teens as we used to be.
It's interesting to consider that this reduced physical connection could result in a reduction in oxytocin that our bodies release, at least when it comes to our connection with our kids. Could it be that we're releasing just as much cortisol and adrenaline but not as much oxytocin? Just a theory, but this on top of the dysregulation of other hormones as we approach menopause seems to be a recipe for disaster. So bottom line is, yes, it could very well be that it's more challenging to manage our emotions as we engage with our teens because we're not enjoying the benefit of a number of supporting mood-regulating hormones.
But this is all the more reason that you have the opportunity to understand more deeply your emotional responses so that you can take proactive steps to manage your emotional well-being rather than to fall victim to your anxiety. So here we are. The relationship we have with our teens seems to evolve constantly.
And since the guardian archetype I'm describing is instinctually motivated to protect, the changing relationship and our kids' increasing need for independence to make their own choices and even take risks, all of this change and uncertainty can be a real challenge for the guardian. Keep in mind if you feel like you've leaned into the role of the guardian as I've described it here, your instinct to protect your child and connect with them with empathy, these are traits and behaviors you've been practicing for 15 or more years. And at this point, these behaviors are almost like a habit.
And it's been a habit that's served both you and your child well during the course of their life. But now this same protective instinct could be challenging for you if you're not aware of how it can make you vulnerable to particular mindset traps. This is where what I call the worry mindset comes in.
Now all of our minds fall into mindset traps. This isn't about moms. This isn't about us in this time of life.
Everyone falls into mindset traps. So as much as I'm saying that we might be vulnerable to mindset traps, it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you that you fall into them. Mindset traps are simply patterns of thinking that can lead us to misinterpret information or get stuck in a way of thinking that's counterproductive.
And what I mean by that is it's a way of thinking that leads us to do things we wouldn't normally choose to do or react in ways that don't move us forward. But even though these mindset traps could lead us to overreact, for example, the traps are still a function of normal ways our brains process information. And this comes down to the motivational triad, that our brains try to keep us alive, very much like our own internal guardian.
Our brains are geared to protect us and keep us safe. Our brains also seek pleasure and comfort and are wired to process information quickly and efficiently. So this is all a function of how our brains react subconsciously without conscious awareness or oversight.
But my goal with this podcast and the work I do in my coaching program is to help you bring the subconscious into your conscious awareness so that you can observe the way your brain interprets the world around you and start to decide on purpose if these ways of thinking are helping or hurting you. So what does this have to do with the guardian? Well, it's interesting to consider that every strength we have can have a corresponding weakness or vulnerability. Sometimes it's a matter of context or the situation you're in.
For example, it might be a strength to be assertive if you're in a leadership role. But being assertive could become a problem if you overuse the trait or apply it in relationships where being assertive isn't necessary or appropriate. Some strengths might also involve trade-offs.
For example, having a high degree of empathy could also lead us to have difficulty setting boundaries. Ultimately, this duality, having both strengths and weaknesses, is a natural consequence of the complexity of human nature. So let's explore this duality in the context of the guardian's traits.
Protective instincts, empathy, dedication, and attention to detail. Now, what we sometimes see or notice in our behavior, or more realistically, what our teens will point out to us from their perspective, is that we're overprotective. Now, keep in mind, there's no way to prove you're being overprotective in a court of law.
But let's just say that's your teen's opinion, that they think you're limiting their freedom. Honestly, this can feel like a decade-long exercise of tug-of-war. We're still trying to keep our kids safe, enforcing rules and setting limits, maybe even protecting our kids from failure and disappointment.
And then they start pulling in the other direction, wanting more flexibility and freedom. Or they mess up or make mistakes and you find yourself wondering if you're supporting your child too much. When is it appropriate for us to let them take risks, explore their independence, even risk failure and disappointment? Where do we draw the line? The problem is there is no right answer.
It's not for me or any other parent or parenting expert to tell you where to draw these lines. The right answers aren't exactly clear. And the outcomes of our decisions, of our teens' decisions, are also not exactly clear.
So amidst all of this uncertainty, the scariest thing for The Guardian is that there is no assurance of safety. For so long, there's been a part of each of us who's been a fierce protector of our children. We've kept them safe.
And this has felt like it's been in our control. And now it's not. So where are you left as someone who's relied on her strengths as The Guardian when faced with the reality that you can actually no longer protect your child? Is it actually any wonder that your instinctual reaction is to be anxious? It makes perfect sense, actually.
Now, let's get back to the worry mindset. Consider these mindset traps. Catastrophizing.
Imagining the worst-case scenario. In essence, looking for the possible dangerous outcome so that you can be prepared to help your child avoid it. It's no different than what you've been doing your entire life.
Only the protecting, the effort needed to avoid danger is no longer in your control. So you're left focusing on that terrible scenario from a place of powerlessness. Can you really blame us for looking ahead and seeing danger and feeling afraid? For the beautiful, empathy-driven protective warrior, The Guardian, her instinct is to protect her child from danger.
And she can't. In some cases, it's because her child is actively making choices that put themselves in harm's way. In other cases, it's just life, inevitably filled with uncertainty and pain and disappointment.
And we can't protect our kids from that anymore. In fact, we can't protect ourselves from that always, can we? So if you've noticed that as your child grows up and you find yourself spinning in anxiety that you can't let go, I wonder if you can relate in some ways to The Guardian archetype. In what ways are you simply trying to protect your child and yourself from danger? When we catastrophize or engage in all-or-nothing thinking, our minds are actually trying to create a sense of certainty about the possible danger ahead so that we might be better prepared to avoid it.
But it's all an illusion. That's not to say the danger isn't real. There isn't a night that my boys go out that I don't worry about an accident.
When my boys have been on the brink of getting big news, my heart is in my throat thinking about how they'll react if the news isn't what they want. There is danger. There is disappointment.
We're not making it up. So here's the challenge for us moms. We are, many of us, instinctually designed, well-practiced guardians.
And I actually love that about us. But holding on to this role and responsibility in the way that we've been pursuing it for the past 15 or more years, it's causing us to approach and perceive our lives in ways that are exacerbating our anxiety. I think there's a part of this mothering that will always involve fear.
My heart, those two boys, are walking out in the world and I can't protect them. For me, a little fear makes perfect sense. But I can hold space for that unsettled feeling while letting go of the debilitating anxiety.
That middle of the night, can't go back to sleep, head turning, can't think about anything else feeling. That anxiety that comes from catastrophizing all-or-nothing thinking and other mindset traps that are natural vulnerabilities. The kryptonite of the guardian.
Now I can see that kryptonite coming. I see the mindset traps for what they are and I let them go. My friend, I can imagine that a part of you is also, like me, a guardian.
If you struggle with anxiety as you desperately try to continue to protect your teen, there's nothing wrong with you. Your beautiful strengths may also be a vulnerability. You're kryptonite.
But by learning about your mind, you can break free of these mindset traps and learn how to choose peace. Learn how to hold space for the anxiety that is a natural part of raising teens. But also, to learn how to embrace a new version of yourself as the guardian.
Mom 2.0, still always there to protect your child, but also strong enough to let them start to venture out on their own. To have the confidence to know and be able to decide what that looks like for you and your family. If you're ready to embrace your guardian and become Mom 2.0, check out my one-on-one coaching program.
Until next time, my friends.
If you enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review and check out our coaching program, Mom 2.0 at www.thesmalljar.com. You have more power than you think, my friend.
