WHEN KIDS RETURN TO THE NEST — LETTING GO, SETTING BOUNDARIES, AND PARENTING ADULT CHILDREN UNDER ONE ROOF | EP. 53
Welcome to the Small Jar Podcast, where we moms of teens find the power to step off the emotional rollercoaster between motherhood and the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins. Episode number 53.
Hello, friends. I want to dedicate this podcast to the moms who have kids returning home from college for the summer. And I also want to reach those moms who have kids who decided to stay home after graduating from high school, or those kids who have come home to live with them again after graduating from college.
The circumstances surrounding all of these situations are different, and frankly, different from family to family. But they all point to a similar challenge we can face when our adult children are living with us at home again, or if they haven't ever really left. I'm working with so many women who are experiencing these challenges.
I've even worked with a grandmother who was struggling with this. So let's get into it. First, it's interesting perspective that for some of us moms, as we think about our child leaving the nest, the thought of saying goodbye to the chapter with our kids at home, and the beauty of their childhood, and our role and purpose as a mom with children at home.
For some of us, maybe many of us, there's a certain sadness that we experience as we grieve the close of that chapter. It's totally normal and natural for us to have to go through that grieving process. So if your child is going off to college, the magnitude of the change we can experience that first fall when we truck them off to school can be challenging for us.
We may really miss our childhood being at home, and we can feel lost because we're not sure what to do next with ourselves. We can even try to hold on to the purpose we had as a mom, even though they're away, by continuing to worry about them and reach out to them to find out how they're doing. We can experience sadness, feeling lost, anxiety, all normal feelings when it comes to the process of letting go of our children.
But as many seasoned moms of college students will tell you, they do typically come back. They're back for a week periodically during the school year. They're back for a few months during the summer.
But admittedly, it's never entirely the same. There's a lot we have to grapple with as our child approaches and then turns 18. In our kids' minds, they are, for all practical purposes, an adult.
And yet we look at our kids, still babies in our minds, still literally with their baby picture on our nightstand, and we know for sure they're not quite ready to be independent. If we're honest, for many of our kids, the concept of having them live on their own, support themselves, figure out how to do laundry and manage their own car payments, insurance, paying rent, managing a budget, there is a long list of things we're pretty sure they wouldn't be able to handle on their own if they were truly to go off in the world and be quote-unquote independent. As adults, we know what independence truly looks like, and it's not as much fun as our kids imagine it to be.
For them, independence looks like no curfew, not having us look over their shoulder all the time or ask where they're going or with whom. For them, independence looks like us pretty much letting them do whatever they want. This is a time of transition, no doubt.
It honestly starts before they even get their license. But while our kids are still in high school, there's enough mandatory structure to their lives that we're generally dealing with pretty predictable boundaries, weekend curfews at least, being responsible for school, rules around drinking and drugs. Of course, all of us as parents deal with a different range of challenges with our kids, but at least until they turn 18, we have some assurance that we have a little bit of say, maybe even control, although many of us don't like to use that word.
But let's call it what it is. We get some say in how they live until they're 18, at least from a legal standpoint. They can't move out without our permission, and so long as they're in our home, we can set boundaries and rules.
How successful we are in enforcing those rules is a whole nother conversation. But once our kids turn 18, they become legal adults. What this means for our kids varies from state to state in the US, and I'm sure varies widely in other countries.
But in the US, there are some generalizations we can make about what these rights look like for our kids once they turn 18. They have the right to vote. They can enter into legal contracts like rental agreements, employment contracts.
When kids turn 18, they can make their own medical decisions, including giving or refusing consent for medical treatment or procedures. Adults who are 18 have the right to privacy in their personal lives. But this is a bit of a gray area when it comes to times when our kids are living in our home.
We as parents still have a right to make rules that our kids or any other adult we have in our home have to comply with if they want to be in our home, assuming that's a boundary we're willing to put in place. But all of these rights for adults come with responsibilities, including obeying the law, paying taxes, respecting the rights of others. Interesting to note that these constitutional rights don't mention the right to be out at all hours of the night.
Although, I guess technically, it's a right by omission because there's no law saying they can't be out all night once they're adults. But have you noticed as an adult yourself that the thought of staying out till 3 or 4 a.m. doesn't quite have the same allure as it maybe did when we were in our late teens and early 20s? As an adult with responsibilities that often involve waking up at a decent hour and taking care of those responsibilities, I have no interest in being out until 1 a.m. or, frankly, even until 10 p.m. So while we do remember the days when we also wanted to be out late, we now notice how many responsibilities our kids do have, even at their age, maybe to their summer employer or to finding a job or, at the very least, helping out around the house. There's certainly always plenty to do.
On a separate but potentially related note, in the U.S., no matter what state you live in, it's still illegal to drink alcohol or smoke pot until you're 21. And in most states, recreational use of marijuana is still prohibited at any age. As my mom used to say to me when I was trying to loosen my curfew when I was younger, nothing good happens after midnight.
So once our kids become legal adults, they have real rights, but they also are subject to real consequences if they shirk their responsibilities or break the law. Now for us as parents and for our now adult kids, we're in this tricky place of transition once they turn 18 and before they truly become independent. And independent is a bit of a vague word.
So for the purpose of this discussion, I will define it as when someone lives on their own and has a job that largely supports their lifestyle. So a big part of independence, in my view, and based on this definition, is that you are financially responsible. So you're making your own money and you're paying your own rent.
I don't know about you, but to me, that's a responsible, independent adult. Life is expensive, so maybe they're still getting a little help from mom and dad. That's going to be up to mom and dad.
But in my mind, if you're basically taking care of your own stuff and no longer living in my basement or your childhood room or no longer living in a college dorm room and getting a college education I'm paying for, if you've passed all those hurdles, to me, that's a sign of true independence. But our view as parents and our kids' views about what independence means is vastly different. And no surprise, it's the source of quite a bit of conflict and discomfort in our relationships during this time.
For kids, independence largely means that they have the right to make their own choices. It's about freedom. For us, independence is about responsibility.
This is why it's so common for our kids to say to us that we're just trying to control them. And as I said before, we don't really want to be called controlling. And we don't think that's what we're doing, trying to control.
What it's about for us is responsibility, making safe, responsible choices. In fact, in an ideal world, it's about our kids making choices that we think are responsible so that we don't have to worry so much about what they're up to or when they're getting home or if they're going to find themselves in some unsafe situation. And frankly, it doesn't matter whether our kids are prone to misbehavior or a model kid, we're still going to worry.
Because even if our kids generally follow the rules, we know there are bad people out there in the world who can hurt them. They could get in an accident or any number of terrible outcomes that circulate on repeat in our mind, particularly in the middle of the night. So there's so many layers to this problem.
Technically, our kids have the right to make their own choices. And so for us parents, we face the significant change in our role as protectors and decision makers. And let's face it, we're already geared to worry about our kids' future.
It's what we've always done. It's just that now we're no longer in the driver's seat. Will they make safe, responsible choices? Are they keeping their long-term goals in mind? Or are they simply living in the moment? Do they understand the consequences of the choices they're making? It can drive you truly crazy thinking about all of the things that could go wrong.
And that's exactly what we do to ourselves as our brains are churning over all of the terrible what-ifs. It's tempting to try to re-establish some control, at least some influence. We might remind or ask nicely.
Eventually, we remind again. We nag. At some point, we start talking about boundaries and consequences and then start yelling.
Tell me honestly, doesn't it feel like you're pushing on a string most of the time? Like no matter how forceful or insistent you are, the kid doesn't budge. They don't change their behavior. Or they refuse to agree with you.
Or better yet, they just flat out ignore you. I'm sure you've heard the phrase, my house, my rules. It's true, we pay the bills.
It's our home. We get to set boundaries. But we often struggle to find the right balance.
If we set boundaries that are too strict, do we risk our kid leaving, which they technically have a right to do? But then if we don't set boundaries, are we left feeling taken advantage of, too lenient? We can then blame ourselves for not taking enough action to keep our kids safe or to encourage them to step up and be responsible. It feels like a lose-lose situation. So our kids typically come back for the summers while they're in college.
We can both be thrilled to have them back home, but then totally frustrated that we're back to cleaning up after them or waiting up for them at all hours of the night. It can be a relief when they go back to college because then whatever they're up to, drinking, drugs, staying out all night, sleeping with who knows who, it's like not in your face anymore. Even if we kind of know and even assume they're doing those things when they're away, it's a whole different problem when they're back at home.
Because it's hard to look the other way. If your kids are doing something that you don't want them to be doing, we intellectually know we can't keep them from doing it when they're not living at home. But when they're home, do you forbid it? And if so, what's the consequence if they break that boundary? And is the alternative to just allow it? Neither feels comfortable.
And here we are with our baby back home and we can dread it. Dread the return of the constant anxiety, worry, frustration, and arguments. It's heartbreaking actually.
Some of our kids might decide not to go to college or not go right away, but they're not in a position to support themselves yet. So we can find ourselves living in this undefined state of limbo. How long exactly until you move out? Not that I'm counting the days, but... And even those kids who go to college are returning in record numbers back home to the nest.
Maybe if this is your reality right now, you'll find comfort in hearing that according to Pew Research Center, 25% of young adults between the ages of 25 and 34 are living back at home with their families. Now, 50 years ago, our parents' generation, that wasn't the case. In the 1970s, less than 10% of 25 to 34-year-olds lived at home.
Now, before we start taking the blame for being worse parents than our own parents, there's so many factors that have absolutely nothing to do with us that are contributing to this trend. Let's talk through them. First, even with a college degree, kids can struggle to find jobs and this economy isn't helping.
Financial concerns are also a big driver that make living at home the only option for some kids, particularly if they have big student loans from college or if they're not yet earning enough to pay rent and to pay for groceries. The fact that some companies allow kids to work remotely makes it even easier for them to decide to take some time to live at home and save up before going out on their own. All of these challenges are understandable and some of us might gladly have our child back home for a period of time so that they can get on their feet.
I've seen it work really well in some families and really poorly in others. Another big reason kids move back home post-graduation is that they're struggling with mental health issues like anxiety and depression. The pandemic also played a role in that some kids who moved home during that time have yet to leave.
If it's hard for us to kick our kids out of the nest due to financial struggles, it can feel impossible to set boundaries around how long a child can stay at home if they're working through depression and anxiety. Look, on the one hand, of course our kids come home and of course we let them. These are our kids and we would do anything to support them.
In some ways, there's something lovely about the thought that our kids really do still need us even after they become quote-unquote adults. They find safety and security in coming home again. It's a lovely thought and for some parents this may be enough.
Some of us love having our kids back home but for many of us, having a kid return to the nest for the summer or for some undetermined length of time after graduation, it comes at a certain cost to us and honestly also to our kids. For them, living back at home, for as much as it provides financial security, a comfortable living environment, most likely much nicer amenities than they would be able to afford on their own, no doubt our kids enjoy many benefits while they're back home with us. But being back in the nest can encroach on their self-view as someone who's an independent adult, able to make their own choices and decisions about how they live their life.
And let's be clear, they still think they're an independent adult capable of making their own decisions except they're living under our roof. And guess what? We, dear child, have expectations. Remember me? Hi, I'm your mom.
I changed your diapers. I raised you. Heck yeah, I have expectations.
But before I dive headfirst into where our heads are, one final note on our kids' perspective. When we communicate our expectations in a way that our kids interpret as trying to control their decisions, what they do, how they show up, how they even talk to us, when they think we're trying to control them, they interpret this as an encroachment on their freedom. And they, you'll probably be shocked to hear, react.
They think we're trying to control them, so they feel mad. And then they react to their emotions by yelling or slamming doors or ignoring us, talking back. When you think about your kids' behavior this way, and I'm not justifying it, just hear me out.
But when you realize the only reason our kids are acting the way that they're acting is because they're reacting to a negative emotion they're having because of a thought they're having. Notice, not once did I attribute any of this to us. Listen again.
The only reason our kids are acting in the way they're acting is because they're reacting to some negative emotion they're having because of a thought they're having. None of this has anything to do with us. Are they having a thought about us that makes them mad? Possibly.
Are they disagreeing with something we did or said? Most likely. Is it our fault? Absolutely not. Here's how I know this.
Our kids' behavior is about them. Their perspective is that they are independent adults. They want to live their life the way they want to live it.
It doesn't matter that they're living in our home. They don't want us to tell them how to show up. All of these thoughts about how they don't want us to be showing up with them, these thoughts make them mad.
Their emotional experience is all about them. But before we take ourselves off the hook entirely, whatever you feel about how your kid is showing up, that is all about you. As I said, there may be a part of us that loves having our kid back home.
Maybe a big part. But then there's also the part where we feel anxious, frustrated, annoyed, exasperated, hurt. And right now, if this is you, you're probably thinking you're feeling this way because of your child.
But blaming your kid actually only makes the problem worse. Not only because it likely throws gas on the fire of the disagreements you might be having, but it also means that the only way that you can feel better is if your child changes. Take that in.
When we blame our kids for the way we feel, then we put ourselves in a position where the only way we can stop feeling anxious, frustrated, and hurt is if our kid just does what we say. Follow our rules. That they let us decide how their life should go.
It sounds amazing until you realize we actually don't want to control our kids' lives, that we also want them to be independent adults so badly. We have this goal in common, so you would think it would be easier for us to let them achieve it. Look, it feels terrible to be up all night worrying, having a fight with your kid, seething with anger, thinking our kids don't love us or respect us in the way that they should.
This is all so painful. It's uncomfortable to let them be out all night without questioning them, or to give them autonomy in terms of whether or not they do things that we may not agree with. But the path to feeling better is not changing our kid.
Consider this for a moment. What if you're not entirely right? What if whatever outcome you're really worried about will never be a problem? What if the way our kid is approaching their life is exactly the path that they're meant to be on? What if this is just their journey, that we're not right, and maybe that they're not entirely wrong? Losing control feels uncomfortable. Remember those early days when your kid first got their license and you were in the passenger seat, frantically pressing your foot on the non-existent brake on the passenger side of the floor? It was scary.
Not really the most fun. The loss of control. It doesn't feel comfortable.
But for our entire lives, we've promised ourselves that we would do whatever our kids needed to do to support them. With your child back in the nest, are you willing to be a little uncomfortable as you let go of control and let them take the reins of their life, even while they're under your roof? For sure, you can set whatever boundaries you want. Your house, your rules.
But are you fighting battles that don't need to be won? Are there places where you can stand back and let them pave their own path, make their own choices, even if those choices are not what you want for them right now? If you need help while you're doing this, reach out to learn about my program, Mom 2.0. I know you would do anything for your child. So are you willing to face and overcome the discomfort of letting them take the wheel of their own life? You don't have to change or control your child to feel better. Until next time, friends.
Wait, one more thing. Raising teens is tough. As moms, we feel responsible for everything.
Our kids' happiness, their success, their safety and well-being, and yet none of it seems to be in our control. Still, we try, and then we feel like we're failing. So then we feel anxious and frustrated, guilty when things go wrong.
I know that you are doing the best you can as a mom, but you need tools, and in Mom 2.0, I've got them. Join me on a journey to gain control of your anxiety, sadness, frustration, and guilt, and start finding joy and peace in your life right now. The moments you have with your child at home are fleeting.
Don't waste them feeling miserable. See you in Mom 2.0.
If you enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review and check out our coaching program, Mom 2.0, at www.thesmalljar.com. You have more power than you think, my friend.
