MIDLIFE MOMS — REDISCOVERING WHO YOU ARE AS YOUR TEEN GROWS UP – PART II| EP. 7
Welcome to The Small Jar, a podcast where we explore how to intentionally design the life that you want in the space between motherhood and the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins. Episode number seven.
Hello friends. I've been thinking recently about capturing dreams. Imagine your dream, initially, as something that exists outside of you.
It's separate from you and offers you an imagined possibility for you and your future. It's not yet who you are, and you don't yet know how to get there. But before you can even start, you have to be willing to dream.
To imagine the possibilities of what could be. I want to pick up from where I left off in last week's episode. If you haven't yet had a chance to listen to part one, please feel free to go back and do so when you can.
But I'll offer a brief recap to highlight some of the key points so we can dive in further. In the last episode, I talked about how we as humans are intrinsically motivated by a hierarchy of needs. Our first priority is to fulfill our most basic needs of food, water, and safety.
And when we're secure in our knowledge that we've ready access to food and shelter, we can begin to form goals that involve seeking out love and connection, building our self-esteem, and feeling the pride of accomplishment. We are motivated to pursue a feeling. This is a really interesting concept to contemplate.
The only reason we do anything is because how we think it will make us feel. We work to earn money, but without the attachment to the joy or satisfaction of being able to use the money to afford the things we can buy with that money, there's no intrinsic value to the money. Money is just a piece of paper, and if we couldn't use it to purchase things, it would have no value to us.
We earn money so we can feel secure, safe, proud, and happy. Money in and of itself doesn't buy happiness, but what we make money mean, what we make our ability to use money mean, either to improve our lives or to experience things that bring us joy, this can afford us happiness. Here's another example.
We're motivated to seek out connection, a lover, friends. Again, it's not the individuals themselves that create the feelings of love and companionship. Instead, it's what those individuals mean to us that creates feelings of love, connection, happiness, and joy.
We're motivated to seek out these connections because of what they mean to us and how they make us feel when we are with them. So you can look at any goal and consider what feeling you desire when you pursue that goal. If someone wants to lose weight, they might want to feel healthier, more comfortable in their clothes, beautiful.
In this case, the person might experience physical benefits as well as positive emotional benefits. Feeling healthy can be both a state of physical being and emotional well-being. If someone wants to get a new job, they might think it will create a sense of purpose or accomplishment.
It might be because they want to earn money, again, because of what the money will allow them to create in their life or the experiences they'll be able to create for themselves. Alternatively, we can pursue goals because we want to stop feeling something or we want to generally feel better than we do now. For example, we want to feel happier, less stressed, more confident, or less lonely.
What's clear from all of these examples is that we typically think that the there, the place where we're headed after we achieve our goal, is better than the here. If we could only accomplish our goal, we could feel beautiful, accomplished, happier, less stressed, more confident, less lonely. So how do we get from here to there? It doesn't matter your goal.
It doesn't even have to be a big goal. But at the beginning, there's a gap between where you are now and where you want to go. So let's start with the vision.
Where do you even want to go? I want to suggest to you that it's okay to dream. It's okay to reach out and capture your dreams, to want something more. I can't tell you how many times I've talked to clients and friends and heard them limit themselves and their dreams.
As mothers raising a family, supporting our family's needs, we're so grateful for the gifts we have in our lives. It feels selfish to want anything more. And for some of us, this is plenty.
But if you're someone who feels that there's some piece missing, some area of your life unexplored or untapped, this is your invitation to dream. What is it that would make you whole? Alive? What can you begin to create as your children need you less and leave the nest? What's your purpose? What will make you feel accomplished, proud, confident, beautiful, healthy, loved? What is the impact you want to make in your life or in the world? A number of years ago, I found myself in this place of feeling not quite complete. And I started small.
I didn't start out wanting to start a business or launch some ambitious venture. I really just wanted to feel better. To not feel like I was at the effect of my life.
I wanted to feel unstuck. I didn't even know what my dreams were. I just knew that I didn't feel that I was living into who I could be.
I was jealous that my boys had the chance to seize life by both hands. And I was left driving them around, organizing their schedules, working to support them, keeping the house organized, realizing they didn't need me maybe as much as I needed them to feel that I had purpose. Maybe you have a big dream.
Maybe you have a goal that has eluded you for years. Or maybe you just have a small goal. Whatever the case may be, as we talked about last week, it's not the how of it that will help you move toward your goal or not.
Someone can tell you exactly what to do, step by step, hour by hour, but that alone will not guarantee that you will achieve your goal. Last week, I shared weight loss as one example of this, how there are millions of diets out there. And although many of them are very specific about the how you should go about losing weight, the long-term success rates of these diets is relatively small.
The how isn't enough. Here's another example that illustrates this. As I was becoming certified as a life coach, I would interact with other coaches and heard a ton of advice about how to go about building and marketing a coaching business.
People just wanted to know the how. Just tell me so I can go do it and build a successful business. There are tens of thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of companies who will do just that.
They'll tell you how to set up a social media account, how to advertise, how to build a customer list, do this, don't do that. Advice is often conflicting and definitely confusing. And so what do entrepreneurs building a new business do? They follow the specific instructions they are given and often, almost always, they fail when they are getting started.
Just knowing the how is not a guarantee of success. In fact, I believe that the hundreds of thousands of step-by-step solutions that you can access on the internet to solve any problem, this actually does us a disservice because it gives us the impression that the solution is as simple as following this three-step process. Dreams for dummies.
So what are any of us to think when we follow the simple process and we fail? More often than not, what our brains offer us is there must be something wrong with us. And this is the heart of it, the key to capturing our dreams. We need to believe in the who before the how.
Last week, I invited you to consider a dream, big or small, it doesn't matter. Weight loss, meeting new people, finding love, getting a job, starting a business, whatever it is for you. If you haven't done this, spent time dreaming already, take a moment to pause and imagine the version of yourself who has already achieved your dream.
Imagine every detail about yourself as if you had already been successful. What is different about you? What do you look like? How do you act? What do you believe about yourself now? What is possible for you now that you've achieved your goal? What emotions do you feel? Paint a picture of this woman, this future you. Let's continue with the example of weight loss so I can illustrate this further.
But as I go through this, I invite you to insert your own goal and answers to the questions I pose. Using the example of weight loss, let's say my goal is to lose 25 pounds. I imagine that my future self, who has accomplished this goal, feels beautiful, sexy, and free of the burden of thinking about weight loss all of the time.
She's slimmer, her clothes fit much better. She, the future me, is confident. She's able to wear anything in her closet.
She enjoys getting dressed up and showing off her body. She doesn't think about food. She doesn't snack.
She doesn't obsess about food. She no longer feels the disappointment of getting on the scale and seeing that the number hasn't moved. She doesn't have to feel the shame of overeating when she promised herself she would just stick to her diet.
She wouldn't hate her body. She would believe she could accomplish big things. And she might even be willing to start thinking about a new goal for a change.
This picture of who we could become if we lost the weight or accomplished that elusive goal, it can feel like a fairy tale. But notice that what I really want in this example is to feel beautiful, free, and confident. No longer obsessing, disappointed, or feeling shame.
No longer worrying about food. No longer hating my body. Believing I was capable.
Notice the difference between these two versions of me. The one before I have lost the 25 pounds and the one after. The before me doesn't believe losing 25 pounds is possible.
She's never been able to do it before and she has tons of evidence that she can. She's failed too many times to count. In contrast, the after me 100% believes she can lose the weight.
She's already done it. She's lost 25 pounds. It's done.
The before me worries that there's something wrong with her. She hasn't found the right how. She believes she lacks motivation and willpower.
This before version of me still thinks of the goal as impossible. She believes I'm just not the kind of person who can lose weight. The after me knows exactly how she did it.
She knows she did exactly what she had to do. She also probably knows that sometimes she was motivated and sometimes she wasn't. She now realizes that wasn't a problem.
She believes she is capable of continuing to try until she is successful. She no longer thinks the goal is impossible. The before me dislikes her body.
She feels disgusted with herself. The after me loves her body. She feels proud of herself.
When we haven't achieved the goal yet, we're still in disbelief that it's possible. Once the initial motivation wears off, and it always does, we spend more time thinking about how it's hard and why it's not possible than in cultivating the belief that we're on the right path. When it gets hard or we face setbacks, we believe there's something inherently wrong with us that makes the accomplishment of the goal impossible.
We don't think we have what it takes to keep trying. We fail ahead of time or we stop at the first sign of failure because we truly believe the goal is just not possible for us. And this, my friends, is the problem.
When we believe that something is impossible and that we're not capable, that we'll fail anyway, we feel defeated, hopeless, disappointed, disgusted. And so when we feel this way, when we approach the how of pursuing our goal, in this case weight loss, when we approach planning our meals from the emotion of hopelessness, we are guaranteed to prove ourselves right. We are guaranteed to fail.
We think, I'm just not the type of person who's capable of losing weight, so we feel defeated. And when we feel defeated, think about how we approach the how. We're half-hearted in planning our meals.
When we get hungry, we think something has gone wrong, that we shouldn't feel hungry. We might resist the hunger for some length of time, we rely on willpower, but the minute we give in to temptation, we beat ourselves up. There I go again.
I've just found more evidence that I'm not capable. Another thought I've had when trying to lose weight is, I don't like my body. I feel disgusted with myself.
From this feeling, the way I approach the how is mean. Like, I don't deserve to eat. A low-calorie diet is like a punishment for my past sins.
I'm also in a hurry, I want the pain to be over with quickly. So I would starve myself, try ridiculous diets that would help me shed pounds quickly. I treated myself the way I wouldn't treat another human being, from a place of disgust.
And inevitably, I wouldn't be able to sustain the diet. It was way too harsh. I would become more and more starved, and eventually, I'd give in and give up.
Every. Single. Time.
And once I gave up, I'd eat even more, and I'd often gain even more weight back. The result? Even more dislike of my body and myself. Think about your weight.
It's just a number. If I were to throw out a bunch of numbers with no context, they would be meaningless. 50, 700, 95, 376.
Who cares, right? Without context, these numbers are just numbers. They don't mean anything. But that number on the scale, what's the story you tell yourself when you see it? Ecstatic when the scale moves down a few pounds? And awful when it creeps up? The number is still just a number, but we make it mean so much about ourselves.
The number on the scale goes down, I get to think, the diet's working, I'm on the right track. The number goes up, I think, see, this is hopeless, I thought I was doing everything right, and I still can't lose weight. We think we feel good or bad because of the number on the scale, but in fact, our emotions are a reflection of the way we interpret the number on the scale.
And this story about the number is intrinsically connected to the way we think about ourselves and our ability to achieve our weight loss goal. If we believe we are capable, if we truly believe that we have what it takes to succeed, the number on the scale would just be information. If I believe I'm on the right track, that I'm learning what it takes to be successful, I'll see the number on the scale and it will just be a measure of progress, nothing more.
When we don't believe we have what it takes, that we're not capable, that we've never been successful before, that there's something wrong with us, when we see the number on the scale go up or even just stay flat, we feel frustrated and hopeless, and we solidify our negative beliefs even further. This is what I mean when I say we need to believe in the who before the how. When we don't believe we are the who, the person who is capable of achieving a goal, the person who is capable of sticking with it no matter what, the person who's patient and learning, the person who knows it's just a matter of time, when we don't believe that this goal is possible, we will prove ourselves right every single time.
Our beliefs in ourselves, in our capabilities, and about our circumstances, this is the secret sauce, the key that is critical to us in achieving any goal. I've spent a bit of time with the example of weight loss, but when you analyze any goal and your thoughts about achieving it, you'll find any number of beliefs, beliefs that feel true, that stand in the way of us achieving our dreams. If we believe we don't have time, we will literally not make time.
If we believe we'll let our family down if we carve out time for self-care, we will end up not making time for self-care and then letting ourselves down. If you're starting a business, but you do not yet believe anyone will buy your product or service, this belief will make you feel unconfident and you'll lack the confidence in offering your goods or services. You may not even offer them to anyone.
When we do manage to put ourselves out there, we take any no or failure as evidence that further fuels the original belief that no one wants to buy my goods or services. It's our lack of belief in the possibility that actually makes achieving any goal impossible. You might be thinking, I get it.
I need to believe in my goal before I can achieve it. But how do I create that belief? The first step is understanding that your lack of belief does not mean there's anything wrong with you. A belief is simply a thought that we've practiced over and over.
We don't even question the thought because it's been playing on repeat in our brains for longer than we can remember. What's the belief that's holding you back? That you can't lose weight? That you don't have time? That you don't want to let others down? That you don't know enough yet or have enough experience? These thoughts feel true, I know. They feel true and we can even produce evidence that they're true.
I can't lose weight. Look at the data from my scale. I don't have time.
I'm always running around. I never check things off my long to-do list. I don't want to let others down.
When I say no, I feel guilty. They get mad at me. I don't know enough or have enough experience.
I've never done this before. Others are so much farther along. We tell ourselves these things and we're so invested in the truth of them.
They seem like insurmountable hurdles, but I want to suggest to you that they're only hurdles because you believe them. There's nothing wrong with you that you believe them. You've practiced these beliefs.
You've compiled evidence in your brain to support them. Of course you believe them. I want to suggest that you can question these beliefs in your mind.
You don't have to believe your mind all of the time. It seems crazy to question our brains, right? We like to rely on intuition and a feeling that we have an inner knowing about ourselves. But what if it's all just BS? What if at least half of the thoughts our brains offer us are completely worthless? Have you ever found yourself on a high ledge or some kind of cliff and looked over the edge and thought, If I fall, I'll probably die.
For an intense instant, your mind offers you a horrifying glimpse of the implication of falling. Even though you're nowhere near the ledge and you're certainly not going to jump, but your brain offers you this thought, I'll probably die. You don't invest a lot of energy into this thought because it probably makes you take a few steps back away from the edge.
But in so many other areas of our lives, we have a thought and we don't even question whether it's true. It's even worse when we have a belief, something that we've practiced, because there's history there. So many failures, evidence that we don't have what it takes, evidence that other people can do it more easily than we can.
Belief that this is just the way it is right now. But what if the past had absolutely no bearing on the future? What if you could decide right now that the belief that's holding you back might not be true? Spend some time in the possibility that your impossible goal is only impossible in your mind, in your imagination. Can you imagine a different possibility? A possibility where you have everything you need to capture your dreams? Can you imagine a you who can believe she can lose weight? Can you envision making time for yourself, just 20 minutes, and believing in the simple thought that taking 20 minutes for yourself doesn't let anyone down? Can you open your mind to the possibility that the first step to achieving anything in your life is to truly question why you don't have it yet? What is standing in your way? What are the thoughts and feelings that keep you from taking action towards your goal? In the case of weight loss, there is literally no upside to believing you can't do it.
There's absolutely no benefit to looking to the past as evidence that you're not capable. What if instead you look to the future you? Can you access the vision of you who has achieved your goal for wisdom about how you need to be right now to move closer to your goal? When I envisioned this 25 pound down version of myself, I imagined that she would believe she was capable of continuing to try until she was successful. I imagined that she loves her body.
She feels proud of herself. Instead of feeling incapable, can you believe you are capable? Instead of hating your body and feeling defeated, can you love your body, the one you have right now? Love it enough to take care of it. Find out what it needs.
Find out how to lose the weight in a way that's not punishment, but that cares for it tenderly, lovingly. Can you be proud of yourself right now? Proud of yourself for having the goal, for being willing to keep trying, being willing to move on when you have a day that's off plan that didn't work out the way you'd hoped. Notice the actions you take from the feelings that you were capable and proud that we love our bodies.
The actions that stem from these emotions are much different than the actions we take from incapable, defeated and disgusted. What is your dream and what is standing in your way? It's not the how. You don't need another five step process, a 15 minute hit routine, keto diet or how to book.
The most important first step in reaching out to capture your dreams is to believe in the who. And that who is the version of you who has already climbed the mountain. She's already proud, accomplished, confident, beautiful, happy and fulfilled.
You cannot become this version of yourself without stepping into the belief that you can be this version of you right now. And it's okay if you don't believe it 100%. But today, can you believe it 1%? Maybe tomorrow, 2%.
Can it become a practice? A practice in believing in the who that reaches for her dreams instead of practicing the who who never even tries, who gives up ahead of time. The first step in capturing your dreams is to believe just a little bit that it's possible. I like to think of the small jar as a place where capturing dreams becomes possible.
Until next time, friends. Welcome to the small jar, a podcast where we explore how to intentionally design the life that you want in the space between motherhood and the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins.
