WHY MOTIVATION FEELS SO HARD — A MINDSET SHIFT FOR MIDLIFE MOMS READY TO RECLAIM THEIR DREAMS | EP. 3
Welcome to The Small Jar, a podcast where we explore how to intentionally design the life that you want in the space between motherhood and the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins. Episode number three.
Hello, friends. I have been so appreciative of your feedback on my first two episodes. I love that so many of you feel like the messages are resonating with you.
I've been particularly grateful to a number of men who have reached out to share that they also related to the message about letting go of how our children reach their potential. It's clearly not only a mother's instinct to want the world for her children. Fathers feel this deeply too.
And I'm honored that you are all on this journey with me. This week, I want to talk about motivation. When I tell people I'm a life coach, or when I first meet with clients, they often tell me about a particular goal that they have.
Like, I'd love to get to the gym or lose weight. I want to build a business or find a better job. Maybe they want to meet new people or find love.
Whatever the goal, it is common for the person to follow the statement of their dream with, but I'm just not motivated. When they say it, they share it like it's a fact. The sky is blue, I'm a woman, and I'm not motivated.
It seems like a fact that in order to accomplish any goal, you have to be motivated. We'd probably all agree when you feel motivated, you take action. And when you take action, you move towards your goal.
But what happens when we don't feel motivated? It can be as simple as the thought, I don't feel like it. I don't want to do it. So of course, when we feel unmotivated, we don't take action.
And we don't do it, meaning we don't move toward the result we want to create. I want to suggest that we rethink motivation, because sometimes I believe we can use it against ourselves. Do you realize that you take action all the time, but you don't think of it as taking action that is fueled by motivation? In fact, there are quite a few feelings that might make us take action, determination, generosity, curiosity, willingness, I want to plant the seed in your mind that motivation doesn't actually have to be a requirement for you to achieve a goal, at least not in the way we typically tend to think about it.
I have to be honest, I don't always feel like it. I'm not the best cook. So I don't always feel like cooking for my family.
I don't always love driving my kids around. I definitely don't feel like folding, putting away the laundry. I often don't feel like working out.
I can think of a long list of things I do on a fairly regular basis that I don't love to do. But I do them most of the time, because I want the result of doing the thing. I don't love cooking, but I love the result of sitting with my family at the dinner table, something that they seem to do more willingly when they know I've put time into cooking for them.
I don't love driving my kids around, but I want them to be able to see their friends or participate in activities they love. I'm willing to do something I might find tedious or inconvenient because I love the result for my children. I actually often dread working out, but I love the result when I'm able to show up to my workouts consistently.
We sometimes tend to think of motivation as something that makes us excited and inspired to do hard things. We don't typically think of motivation as applying to mundane, boring, and everyday chores. We have this sense of motivation as being this beautiful, aspirational, positive energy because we've likely experienced that at some time in our lives, or maybe we've observed that and thought that must be what it feels like for that other person accomplishing those big goals.
But think about a time when you were so excited to learn something or try something new. I observe my son learning to drive, and I remember that feeling. I was thinking, I'm going to be free.
I'm going to be able to go anywhere I want. Even though you had no idea how to drive at first, your vision of the result that you would gain was so compelling that you were motivated to learn and practice and study for the test so you could get your license, so you could be free and go anywhere you want. You might have felt this aspirational motivation when you were planning your wedding or taking care of yourself during your pregnancy.
The result, the goal, felt so valuable and important that there was no question in your mind that you would do what it took to make it happen. You were motivated, maybe even inspired. Let's take New Year's resolutions as another example.
January 1st, you think this year will be different. I'm going to lose the 20 pounds. I'm going to get to the gym.
You feel a sense of elation in the beginning because you've made a mental commitment to getting it done. It's natural to think that this is what motivation is supposed to feel like. You're fired up.
You tell yourself, I can do it, and you do for a while. But when the feeling starts to wane, as it inevitably does, it's easy to think there's something wrong. It's easy to feel like it's really hard to do the thing unless you have this beautiful, inspiring feeling of motivation.
But for most of us, that feeling is fleeting. That inspirational, aspirational motivation does come to us sometimes. And the reason it comes is because in the beginning it's so easy to think, I'm going to do it this time.
I really want this result. You feel so connected to the vision of it, the possibility of it. But then it gets harder to maintain the commitment, the stamina.
It gets harder to keep going day after day, whether it's sticking to an eating protocol or getting to the gym regularly or maybe setting aside an hour to start planning a big project. On a day-to-day basis, the doing of the thing doesn't feel sexy. It doesn't feel fun.
It's just day-to-day doing the thing. And when you start to think this isn't fun anymore, and today I don't really feel like it, your excitement wanes. You might even begin to think you're unmotivated.
One definition of motivation is the general desire or willingness of someone to do something. The general desire or willingness to do something. Notice it doesn't say motivation is a beautiful feeling of commitment and bliss when doing hard things.
I mean, that kind of sums up how we think motivation should feel, right? So when we don't have this inspirational feeling, this aspirational motivation, we begin to think something's wrong with us. That we don't have what it takes. That we aren't going to succeed because we're just not motivated.
And by the way, because this has likely happened to us in the past with this very same goal, the waning motivation just reinforces our belief that we can't accomplish the goal. We found more evidence that we're not capable, not motivated enough. I really like motivational speaker Mel Robbins.
One of the messages that she shares is, the bottom line is no one is coming. No one. No one's coming to push you.
No one's coming to tell you to turn the TV off. To tell you to get out the door and exercise. To apply for that job that you've always dreamed about.
It's up to you. And because you're only ever going to do the things that you feel like doing right now, or that feel good to you right now, then unless you understand that you have to parent yourself, you've got to push yourself, you're not going to make your dreams come true. I love this because I believe at the end of the day, this feels true.
Like yes, I get it. I have to take responsibility for myself. In fact, this is probably the message we try to instill in our children as they grow up.
You want them to find that intrinsic motivation that gets them moving, that inspires them to do hard things. But the problem is that we tend to think that it all has to be hard. Have you seen the 75 hard challenge on TikTok? It was actually created by Andy Frazella, the CEO of a supplement company.
And he builds this challenge as a transformational mental toughness program. When you embark on the program, you are making a commitment to do five critical tasks every day for 75 days straight. They are one, follow a nutrition plan aligned with your goals with zero alcohol and no cheat meals.
Number two, complete two 45 minute workouts every day, and one must be outside. Number three, drink a gallon of water every day. Number four, read 10 pages of an educational or self-improvement book every day.
And number five, take a progress picture every day. So all respect to the people, many of them young, on TikTok or just in the world who have taken on this challenge. The message, however, reinforces the standard that you have to be tough and it has to be hard to go after your dreams.
We think our dreams require us to be willing to just be so hardcore every single day. And the problem is that for most of us, the prospect of it being hard is exactly why we never even start. For me, I'm not sure what part of the 75 hard I think would suck the most.
No cheat meals or alcohol for 75 days. I mean, okay. But I also think I can achieve my nutrition goals without deprivation.
Two 45 minute workouts, that's a no. I don't have 90 minutes a day. Drink a gallon of water, that's 128 ounces, by the way.
I drink a lot of water and I rarely get anywhere near 128 ounces. My point is, I want to question why it has to be hard. Like, what's the point? And again, all respect to those who value building mental toughness.
But for those of us just looking to accomplish a personal goal, whatever it is, why does it have to be hard? Getting back to our day-to-day chores, do you know that it requires motivation for you to do those things? If motivation is just a willingness to do something, then doing your laundry involves motivation. You are motivated because you're willing to do it and you're motivated because you want clean laundry and you also don't want piles of dirty laundry everywhere. It's not sexy and it's not aspirational and it's not glamorous.
And I certainly wouldn't write about it in my journal at the end of the day. I folded and put away four loads of laundry. But I was willing to do it and maybe it's okay to take the aspiration out of it.
When we set up motivation like it's on a pedestal, that it's something that only really mentally tough people can obtain, we tend to count ourselves out. That somehow we're not worthy of the achievement because we don't have what it takes. I'm not that type of person.
Just not motivated. Based on the standard set by the 75 hard challenge, I'm definitely not mentally tough enough for that. Nor do I think I need to be.
But I don't think this makes me unmotivated. So I really encourage you to think for yourself about how you are defining motivation. I want to offer that if you were doing your chores, caring for your family, showing up to work, just getting out of bed in the morning, everything you do takes some amount of motivation.
A willingness to do the thing. We tend to layer this judgment on ourselves. A judgment of what it should look like to be motivated.
And when we don't stack up to this vision of what it should look like or feel like, we shoot ourselves in the foot. If we think we have to be this perfect, hardcore person to accomplish our goal, is it really any wonder that we fall short and don't go for it? Because we think it's got to be hard and we think we're not the kind of person who can do hard. I want you to all of that.
What if it doesn't have to be hard? Maybe it's not fun all the time. Maybe it's even boring. In fact, much of the times the steps required to achieve your goal may just feel boring.
Eating healthy all the time? Boring. Going to the gym, doing the same workout week after week? Boring. But I want to offer that it's okay.
It's actually okay if it's not fun. But you don't have to make it hard. And we make it so hard on ourselves when we think we're not the type of person who can do the thing.
As mothers and fathers with kids at home, it often feels like there's not enough time to do everything we want for our family on top of all of our other obligations. How could we ever find more time to take on a new goal? This becomes yet another reason why we don't feel motivated. We don't want to let our family down.
We can't work any less. We don't want to have to sacrifice anything. It feels like just a fact that we don't have the time.
It's easy to think, look, if I had all the time in the world and didn't have all these responsibilities, I would probably be able to find motivation to take on my dreams. But I don't have that luxury. It's interesting because I used to have the thought on a fairly regular basis that I'm so busy.
I'm so busy. I used to say it to myself all the time. It was like a mantra.
But then I would take a day off or find myself on vacation. All the time would open up to me. And I would initially think I would get so much done.
And I would find myself watching TV or getting lost in random projects. I wouldn't spend the time intentionally to create anything. I would just spend the time.
You see, all of us spend all of our time. You can't save it. It passes and it's gone.
You don't get it back. Every day, you get 24 hours, no more, no less. So ask yourself, how intentional are you with the time that you do have? Have you ever even thought of it that way? Like, how are you spending your time? Do this exercise for yourself.
How long do you typically sleep? If you work or engage in a professional or volunteer activity, how much time do you spend on average each day? You spend time taking care of your kids, you're commuting, you clean the house, you're eating, you're showering. When you stack it up this way, can you account for the full 24 hours? Does it surprise you how much time you give to certain things versus others? Just notice without judging. When you start to think of time as a valuable asset that you would invest, it's interesting to consider whether the way you invest your time on default, without thinking about it intentionally, is in service to your goals and priorities.
When you think, I don't have time, as if how you spend your time is out of your control, you feel powerless at the effect of time and your responsibilities, like they are being imposed on you. And when you're in this energy, you don't even consider that you are the one choosing every single thing. You don't have to let your kid go to their friend's house and therefore drive them.
You don't even have to go to work. Well, you might say that I have to go to work because my family needs the money, but that's also a choice you are making. You work because you want money.
No one's making you. You want the result. It's your choice.
When we tell ourselves we don't have time, I wonder if it's an easy cop-out. And I don't mean to judge because I've been there myself. I used to say to myself, I have all these obligations.
I don't have a choice. Life is so busy, I can't possibly fit in one more thing. I can't even carve out time for myself.
The reason I suggest it may be a cop-out is that it feels easier to find the willingness or motivation to take on the day-to-day chores, tasks, and obligations than it is to find the motivation to take on something new. It's easier to call up the motivation to pick up your kids, fold the laundry, or show up to work because you know what that looks like. It's comfortable.
It may not be fun, but you're willing to do it. But our dreams, our big goals, we're not entirely sure how to do them. Let me take that back.
We actually may kind of know how to do them. For example, we know that if we want to lose weight, we need to burn more calories than we eat. Simple, right? But it's not.
If it was as easy as just knowing the simple how, we would all be achieving our goals every day. But we don't. And why not? Well, one of the reasons is because our minds are constantly offering up so many reasons why it's hard.
We haven't been successful before. There are obstacles in the way. I don't have time.
There's something lacking in me. I'm not a motivated person. When it comes down to it, we are faced with the choice of maintaining the status quo, keeping our life as it is, or doing a hard thing that may not be possible.
That's the way we think about it. So is it really any wonder that we think it's so hard? Another definition of motivation is the reason or reasons one has for acting or believing in a particular way. You'll often hear coaches tell you to envision the result you want to create.
It's like channeling an image in our mind of what it would look like and feel like to achieve our goal. We often have this idea that we'll be happier or feel more accomplished if we could achieve that goal. But as I've said before, if it was as simple as having a reason to feel motivated, we would all do all the things we needed to do to accomplish our goals 100% of the time.
But the reality is, in every moment, we're making a choice as to how we're investing our time, every moment. And when you're not thinking intentionally about what you want to create with the investment of your time, it's so much easier to choose the short-term win, the easier road. This is just human nature, and nothing has gone wrong.
So I invite you to take a step back and decide intentionally how much time you actually want to give to invest in the priorities of your life. And you get to decide. So to recap, I want you to remember three things.
Number one, stop telling yourself you're not motivated. It's actually a lie. There are so many things in your life you are motivated to do, you just don't think about it that way.
There are many things you do that are hard or at least not fun, but you do them anyway, because you value the result. What are those things for you? How are you motivated in your life? Number two, open your mind to the possibility that it doesn't have to be hard. You get to decide how you go about achieving your goal, if you want to go about achieving your goal.
If you pursue your goal as a punishment driven by disgust, disappointment, or obligation, or even just a belief that it will be hard, it will be hard. Maybe even more than motivation, we need to channel curiosity. What if you could be curious about how pursuing your dream could be easy instead of hard? If you invest 15 minutes a day in your dream, that's 90 hours over the course of a year.
90 hours, almost four straight days. Think of what you could accomplish in 90 hours. If you're in a deficit of only 100 calories, if you stuck to this deficit on average throughout a whole year, you would lose 10 pounds of real weight without feeling deprived.
What if it didn't have to be hard? Number three, failure is expected, so stop judging yourself for not being perfect. You can define failure as the lack of success, but you can also define it as the omission of expected or required action. You might not succeed right away, but you also might fail in the sense of not taking the expected or required action, and maybe this type of failure is required too.
You will cheat on your eating protocol. There will be days you don't go to the gym. You will drink if you say you're not going to drink.
There will be days you will absolutely not make time for your goal even when you promise yourself you will. Sometimes you will fail in the sense of just not taking the action, and it's okay. When you fail in the sense, do you beat yourself up or do you pick right up and recommit the next day? What if you stopped counting the number of times you failed and didn't do the thing and started counting the number of times you succeeded, that you just showed up? Do you remember when your child first learned to walk, the determination, the motivation, and willingness to keep trying? They didn't count failure.
The number of times they fell down, they just kept going time after time, moment after moment, trying and failing. They never once made the failure mean they would never walk, that there was something wrong with them, that they weren't motivated. As you rethink what motivation means to you and how it has helped and hurt you in your experience, I invite you to really think about failure as being required.
When you fail, what can you learn? How can it make you stronger in service to your dreams? I'd like to think of igniting motivation as creating a small flame rather than a raging fire. The small flame, the small incremental steps, the steps you're willing to take, motivated to take every day, will add up to create big monumental changes. And sometimes those small steps are allowing ourselves to learn from the moments when we fail.
If you're someone who feels as if hard is motivating, then awesome, go for your hard. There are also times when life is hard. You might find yourself in a situation that you think this is really hard and there's no way around it.
These are the times it can be helpful to say to yourself, I can do hard things. But if you're someone for whom the prospect of hard is the reason why you don't go after your dreams, you need to ask yourself, why does it have to be hard? How am I making it hard when I don't have to? And how might I begin to think about this so it can be easy? There's nothing wrong with hard, and sometimes life will be hard. But let's not make it hard.
Until next time, friends. Thanks for listening to The Small Jar Podcast. Please visit us at www.thesmalljar.com, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at smalljarcoach, and subscribe to this podcast.
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