THE VALIDATION TRAP: WHY MOMS OF TEENS FEEL ANXIOUS AND UNAPPRECIATED | MINDSET TRAP #9 | EP. 155
Welcome back to the Mindset Traps of the Empty Nest series. This is trap number nine, validation seeking. Why you don't need to earn your worth as a mom of a teen.
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast with Small Jar Coach. This show is for moms of teens who are ready to let go with love, release anxiety, and rebuild connection with their teen and themselves as they approach the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins, a master certified coach and a fellow mom walking this path right alongside of you.
You don't have to navigate this season alone. Welcome back to the Mindset Traps of the Empty Nest series, exploring the patterns that keep moms of teens stuck in stress, self-doubt, and disconnection. If you've ever bent over backward for your teen, made the meal, gave the space, held your tongue, and still ended up at the end of the day wondering, why does it feel like none of it mattered? This episode is for you.
Today, we're diving into the mindset trap of validation seeking, a habit that keeps us moms stuck in overthinking, people pleasing, and self-doubt. In this episode, you'll learn why wanting a little appreciation is perfectly normal, how validation seeking fuels other mindset traps like the illusion of control, and most importantly, how to stop waiting for someone else to give you permission to believe you matter. If you've ever asked yourself, why doesn't anyone notice everything I do, or what's left for me when no one needs me, this conversation is for you.
Let's talk about how to stop chasing validation. Let's dive in. Hello, my friend.
You know, most of us would never say, I need my teen to appreciate me to feel okay. We would never say those words out loud. But sometimes, if we're honest, we feel them.
In fact, if we're really, really honest, we might even think, I just need my teen to acknowledge me to feel okay. Oof, that hurts. Even just imagining that it's possible that our kids could so discount us, ignore us, and dismiss us, it's painful.
And yet, this is exactly what so many of us experience as we raise our teens and baby adults. One of my clients recently shared something that I've heard in different forms over and over again with my clients. This mom had gone all out to get everything ready for her daughter, who was coming home from college after finals.
She stocked the fridge with her favorite foods. She planned her favorite meals. She put flowers in her daughter's room along with a note saying how much she'd missed her and how happy she was that her daughter was going to be home for the summer.
She told me, I just wanted her to know that I see her and I love her, and I've been thinking about her every day as she's been away. This mom even rearranged her schedule at work so she could be around those first few days, just in case her daughter wanted to talk or hang out. She knew it had been a hard semester.
They hadn't been talking that often, but she was hoping that her daughter's decision to be home for the summer meant that they would have a chance to reconnect. When her daughter walked in the door the first time, this mom was immediately disappointed. Her daughter seemed distracted and disinterested, as if the last time she'd walked through the door was only a few hours, not months before.
She grabbed her bag and basically disappeared into her room. Welcome home, the mom thought. She tried to convince herself that maybe it had just been a long drive, so she waited.
She made dinner, thinking that maybe then they could talk for a bit. But when she told her daughter dinner was ready, her daughter said, I'm not hungry. And then, I'm actually going out with friends.
She didn't even open the door to her room when she said it. This mom had even tried not to get her hopes up, but somehow she still felt herself deeply disappointed. Forget thanks, mom, or I missed you, mom.
She felt completely invisible. It was like none of her effort, the flowers, the meals, the note, had gotten any reaction. Like her love hadn't even registered.
She sat at the dinner table alone that night, staring at the meal she'd made, telling herself not to cry. She tried to remind herself, she's tired, it's not about me. I shouldn't take it so personally.
But it was hard not to feel hurt, and not just because her daughter didn't say thank you. It was something even deeper. The words she shared with me were, do I even matter to her anymore? And this is where the validation trap begins.
Here's the most heartbreaking part. From what I've seen, this woman is an incredible mom. She's thoughtful and supportive.
She's done everything she could to raise an independent, strong young woman. But somehow she was being rewarded with rejection. And on top of all of that, she felt ashamed for needing something from her daughter that she didn't seem able to give.
The story sets us up to talk about this next mindset trap, validation seeking. Because this trap isn't about needing our kids to constantly say thank you, or lavish us with praise and appreciation. At its core, it's about something that makes perfect sense.
It's about craving some kind of feedback, some evidence that we're doing okay, that we still have connection, that we matter, that all of the love and support we've poured into our kids has meant something. This trap is sneaky because it seems like it's based in love, that we just want connection or closeness or a little gratitude. And first of all, of course we do.
Feeling connection is one of our most basic human needs and desires. But the danger of this trap is that it means we outsource our emotional well-being. So today I'm going to invite you to take your power back without trying to convince yourself you don't care.
If you've ever had a moment like this where your teen totally ignored you or disregarded your effort, when you felt like your presence barely registered, I want you to know that you are so not alone. I also want you to know this, what you're feeling doesn't mean you're needy or weak or doing it wrong. It just means you're a human and you love your kid.
But even the most unconditional love can come with pain when you start to feel like your relationship with your teen is one-sided or being completely dismissed. It can be such a subtle line between feeling the sting of rejection and slipping into the need to feel validated. So let's take a closer look at what this trap really is and how we start to get out of it.
And before we dive deeper, I want to zoom out for a minute because this trap, validation seeking, doesn't exist in a vacuum. It's connected to the other mindset traps we've been exploring in this series. As I've said before, these traps often layer on top of one another.
For example, if you need your teen to be happy or appreciative in order to feel okay, that's personalization. You're making their mood mean something about you. When I first say this, it might seem like this feels really similar to validation seeking, but here's the difference.
Validation seeking leaves you chasing approval, but personalization leaves you blaming yourself when you don't get it. So again, see how these two traps build on top of each other. Validation seeking also connects with perfectionism because when you think that if I can just do it right, then maybe my kid will finally appreciate me, you're falling into that trap.
The last trap we explored in this series was the should trap. And this shows up with validation seeking big time because so often we feel like we shouldn't need our kid's validation. In fact, we beat ourselves up for wanting it.
It makes us feel weak and ashamed of ourselves. And these are just a few examples of how all of these mindset traps layer into a web of pain that can keep us stuck. Understanding the trap of validation seeking is an important piece of the puzzle because when you can start to let go of your need for external validation, you open the door to creating peace that doesn't depend on anyone or anything else.
So validation seeking is what happens when we hand over our emotional wellbeing to someone else. It's when how we feel about ourselves or about how we're doing as a mom depends on what someone else says, does, or what they don't do. If they approve, we feel okay.
If they're happy with us, we feel like we're doing something right. But if they're distant, distracted, or disappointed, we start to feel anxious, rejected, or like we're failing. It's like we're letting someone else's reaction decide whether we're allowed to feel good about ourselves.
It sounds terrible, but for many of us moms, this way of thinking has become somewhat of a habit, something we experience without even being conscious of it. And that's because for decades, our role as mom has come with built-in feedback loops, little arms around your neck, hugging you, a small voice saying, I love you, mommy. We felt needed and important.
We've been relied on to have answers. We've been able to wipe away tears and solve tiny problems. I know I can say for myself that this has been a part of motherhood that has been so incredibly beautiful to me.
My boys' hugs and kisses, when they were little, it was like a drug. It made all of it, everything, worth it. But over time, these feedback loops become fewer and farther between for many of us.
Our kids grow up. They stop showing their affection in the same unabandoned ways. Maybe they stop showing their affection altogether.
They pull away. They stop needing us in the same way. Maybe they act as if they don't need us at all.
I don't think any of us took on this job for the sole purpose of getting validated, but it's been a pretty amazing perk. So I don't think it's surprising when the feedback change that we're left feeling a little unmoored. We know our feelings haven't changed, but at times our kids can be so distant, you can wonder, do I even matter to them? And here's the thing.
This isn't just about motherhood. Validation seeking shows up everywhere, in our marriages, our friendships, at our jobs, with our parents, in our volunteer roles. We learn early on that being liked, being praised, being needed, it feels good.
It's part of how we're taught to measure our value. And we learn this early on, sometimes before we can even put it into words. As kids, we're praised for being good and polite and helpful, responsible.
We're rewarded for performing well, making people happy, not causing trouble. We get smiles and gold stars and hugs and applause. And little by little, without anyone meaning to teach us this directly, we start to associate being liked with being good, being approved of with being worthy.
It's not that our parents or teachers were trying to condition us this way. Most of the time, they were just doing their best to encourage us or help us grow. But over time, we start to internalize the idea that our value comes from outside of us, that we're only okay if other people are pleased with us.
And because that model is everywhere, in school and family, friendships, even the media, we rarely learn how to generate a sense of worthiness from within. So many women have come to me for coaching and they see these patterns in their own lives and they fear something's wrong with them. But truly, this conditioning is in all of us.
Here's the thing. This isn't just an emotional pattern conditioned by our upbringing. It's actually a survival instinct as well.
Like every mindset trap I've been talking about in this series, validation seeking is rooted in the brain's motivational triad, the hardwired programming that drives us to avoid pain, seek pleasure, and conserve energy. Let's start with avoiding pain. When we feel disconnected from our teen, and honestly, this can happen even with people we don't care about that much, but when we feel disconnected or dismissed, it hurts.
When someone seems dismissive or even just emotionally unavailable, our brain doesn't experience it as just neutral. It experiences that behavior as rejection. And that doesn't just feel bad.
It feels threatening. Because from an evolutionary perspective, rejection was dangerous. As humans, we're wired to seek connection, to belong.
As cave people, being part of a group meant safety, being fed and protected and kept alive. So being cast out or left behind would literally be fatal. So over time, our brains developed powerful responses to social cues.
Disapproval, distance, disconnection, even the smallest signs of being left out or ignored can feel like danger to our nervous system. That's why when your teen walks past you and totally ignores you, your mind's instinct is to register this as a threat. This is your brain trying to protect you from disconnection, which it sees as dangerous.
And then there's the second part of the motivational triad, seeking pleasure. And let's be honest, appreciation feels amazing. A thanks mom or a smile or a hug.
It gives us a dopamine rush. And this isn't a small thing. In fact, it's just biology.
And our brains are wired to seek out the things that feel good. Because again, from an evolutionary perspective, those things help us survive. So our brains release these pleasure hormones as a way of saying, do that again.
That was good. Finding food, dopamine hit. Staying close to the group, dopamine.
Forming strong social bonds, even more dopamine. And our brains still, when someone thanks you or when your teen smiles at you, you get a dopamine hit, which only reinforces the connection between safety and other people's actions. Them reinforcing their connection with you.
So of course we crave more of this positive feedback. Finally, the third part of the motivational triad, conserving energy. As we've talked about before in this series, your brain is constantly looking for the path of least resistance.
Whatever gets the job done fastest and with the least amount of effort. So when it comes to feeling okay, feeling valued, feeling like you matter, it's actually much easier, at least in the short term, to look outside of yourself. It's easier to rely on someone else's approval or to look for the thank you or the smile or that moment of connection.
Because if other people can just respond the way you hope, then boom, instant validation. No heavy lifting required. But building that validation from within, it can feel like it takes emotional effort.
Especially when you've never been taught to do this. For a brain that's trying to be efficient and avoid discomfort, that kind of inner work can feel exhausting, especially, again, if you haven't been taught to do it. So it makes perfect sense that your brain would rather take the shortcut.
Let other people's reactions decide how you feel about yourself. The problem is that shortcut only works when the feedback is good. The moment it disappears, you're left feeling empty and disconnected and hurt.
The opposite of what you want. And again, this disconnection, it's threatening. It feels terrible.
Our instinct tells us to avoid this at all costs. So from the way our brains are wired to our upbringing and how we've been socialized, and then the habits we've formed as moms, I hope it's clear why we crave validation and how it's so natural and instinctual that we do this. But let's now talk about how this shows up in our lives.
Because validation seeking doesn't necessarily look like a desperate need for attention. In fact, it often can look a lot more like trying to be a good mom or a good person. It shows up in actions we take that seem thoughtful and responsible, even loving.
But if we're not self-aware, what we can actually really be trying to do is control someone else's response to get a certain reaction so we can feel okay. Let's look at three common ways this shows up. The first is through people pleasing.
This is when you say yes when you really want to say no. You avoid conflict, you walk on eggshells, soften your opinions, do what's expected, even when it comes at your own expense. Why do we do this? Well, of course we want the other person to feel supported.
You want to keep the peace. You might even tell yourself, I'm just trying to be helpful. But if you're really honest with yourself, it's not just about being nice.
It's also about avoiding something like tension or judgment, disapproval or rejection. And sometimes it's also about earning something like appreciation or approval, a sense that you're doing it right. You just want to be seen as the good mom, the good friend, good daughter, sister or partner.
And you really don't want to feel the discomfort of being misunderstood or criticized or dismissed. So you think carefully about how to respond, how you want to show up. You manage your tone.
You anticipate their mood. You do what it takes to keep the other person's reaction in the range that feels comfortable and safe. And that's what people-pleasing really is.
A way of trying to control how other people see you. So you don't have to sit with the anxiety of not knowing where you stand or worse, feeling rejected. And the thing that's often driving that need for control is the desire to feel appreciated and to be seen as kind and helpful and flexible.
You're hoping that if you show up in just the right way, they'll validate you in return. Thanks for understanding. You're amazing.
I couldn't do this without you. People-pleasing is often a strategy to earn the connection or appreciation we're afraid we won't get otherwise. A second way validation-seeking can show up is through trying to fix or take on the responsibility for everything.
You stay two steps ahead. You anticipate their needs. You fix.
You coach. You nudge. You handle everything.
Logistics, emotions, consequences. Sometimes even before your teen or anyone else even asks. And while part of this comes from love and experience, there's often something else driving this behavior.
You want to make sure things go smoothly so other people don't get upset or so they don't make a mistake so you don't have to watch your kids suffer and wonder if it'll be your fault. This fix-it mentality, and some even call it over-functioning, it gives you a sense of control, but it also sets you up to need things to go well in order for you to feel like you're doing okay. But then when things don't go well, it's not just disappointed.
It feels like you've failed. Trying to fix everything is one version of the illusion of control, which is another mindset trap we've been talking about in this series. But there's another side of the illusion of control, and that's when we try to manage how other people feel.
You tell yourself, if I just say it the right way, they'll understand. Or if I time it just right, they won't get upset. But when you show up this way, what you're really doing is trying to manipulate an outcome, watching what you say, managing the timing of your delivery and your energy, in hope that you can control the other person's emotional experience.
Because look, if you can control their reaction, then maybe you won't have to feel rejected or blamed. This version of the illusion of control isn't about being in charge. It's about emotional self-protection.
You're hoping that by managing their feelings, you'll get to avoid your own pain. And just like with people-pleasing and over-functioning, what you're often really craving underneath it all is a validation, a sign that you're safe, that you're doing it right, that you still matter. Here's what's so important to understand here.
These patterns, people-pleasing, over-functioning, trying to control emotional outcomes, are all attempts to manipulate the external world so we can feel better internally. But the truth is, we're not really trying to control the other person. What we're trying to control is our own feelings.
Because we think if we can get them to respond the way we want, then we'll feel okay. But here is the trap. Because no matter how perfect you try to be, you cannot control someone else's feelings or reactions.
It's literally not possible. And so you're over here trying your best to do the impossible. And when you don't get what you're really looking for, you end up right back where you didn't want to be, feeling in pain, trying harder, giving more, and feeling worse.
Think about all these behaviors, people-pleasing, taking on too much, trying to manage how other people feel. This is what they all have in common. They're exhausting.
And they're unsustainable. Because they never actually give you the certainty of safety or validation you're hoping for. The more you try to control how other people respond to you, the more powerless you end up feeling.
Because you're constantly guessing, adjusting, tiptoeing, hoping for a certain reaction that you can't control. When your peace depends on someone else's mood, or when your self-worth depends on what someone else says or does, when your sense of being okay is determined by how your teen or your partner or anyone else responds to you, you are never truly at peace. You walk through life on high alert, reading every glance, every tone, every silence as a signal that something's wrong with them, or worse, with you.
To be honest, I've been there, my friend. And here's the most painful question that you can find yourself asking. No matter what I do, why isn't it enough? Why aren't I enough? My friend, this is what I've learned.
This is the trap. The more you search for validation outside of yourself, the more disconnected you come from the part of you that is in charge of deciding your worth. Because your worth isn't something other people give you.
It's not earned through effort or proven through perfection or confirmed by someone else's reaction. Your worth is something only you can ever claim or give yourself. And yet so many of us spend decades looking outside of ourselves for confirmation and validation.
We measure ourselves by our kids' happiness, by how much of our to-do list we've accomplished. We wait to feel appreciated until someone says thank you. We think, if they're okay, then I can feel okay.
Or if they approve that I'm doing something right. Or if they notice, then I matter. But my friend, what if you didn't have to wait? What if you didn't need anyone else's permission to feel proud? What if you didn't need someone else's words to feel seen? What if you didn't even need someone else's outward display of affection to feel loved? Because here's the truth.
You don't feel loved, appreciated, or worthy because of what someone else says or does. You feel those emotions because of what you make them mean. And whether you realize it or not, you are always the one choosing what you make the other person's actions and words mean.
This is where your power lies. Not in getting it all right. Not in controlling the other person's moods.
But in learning how to shift the story you're telling yourself so you can create the emotions and experience of your life that you actually want. This is exactly the kind of work we do in my program, Mom 2.0. We look at the thoughts that are keeping you stuck in resentment and self-doubt or anxiety. And we gently untangle the beliefs that have you waiting for someone else to tell you that you're doing enough.
And then we rebuild so that your peace and confidence and connection with your team don't depend on their behavior. They come from you. Because you don't have to keep proving your worth or chasing validation.
You just have to learn how to find it in the one place that it has always been. And that is within yourself. If this is resonating, if you've been listening and nodding and thinking, yep, this is me.
This is exactly where I get stuck. Then I'd love to invite you to take the next step. There's a link in the show notes where you can learn more about Mom 2.0. Reach out to me and let's talk about what this work could look like for you.
Because you're not alone in this. And you don't have to keep trying to feel better by doing more. You just have to remember you are already enough.
My friend, if you've recognized yourself anywhere in this episode, I want you to know this isn't about judgment. It's about awareness. Validation seeking isn't a flaw.
It's a human instinct. It makes sense that you've been looking outside of yourself for reassurance, especially when so much of your role as a mom has been defined by what you give and how you support your child. But now in this almost-emptiness season, you have a powerful opportunity to stop outsourcing your worth, to stop waiting for a thank you to feel proud, to stop needing someone else's reaction to believe you matter, and to start finding peace, confidence, and clarity from within yourself.
That's the work. That's freedom. And that's what this next chapter can be for you.
Thank you for being here with me. And thank you most of all for being willing to look inward. That alone is the beginning of everything.
I'll see you next time, my friend. If you enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review and check out our coaching program, Mom 2.0 at www.thesmalljar.com. You have more power than you think, my friend.
