THE REAL REASON BOUNDARIES FEEL SO HARD FOR MOMS OF TEENS
Welcome back to the Almost Empty Nest podcast. In this episode, we'll explore boundaries that rebuild connection with your teen and yourself.
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest podcast with Small Jar Coach. This show is for moms of teens who are ready to let go with love, release anxiety, and rebuild connection with their teen and themselves as they approach the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins, a master certified coach and a fellow mom walking this path right alongside of you. You don't have to navigate this season alone.
If you're a mom of a teen or an adult child and standing in that messy middle ground between parenting and letting them go, this episode is for you. Today, we're diving into one of the most misunderstood tools in motherhood, boundaries. Not the kind that are meant to control your teen or fix their behavior, but the kind that reconnect you to your own power and also reconnect you to your child.
By the end of this episode, you'll walk away with three things. First, a new understanding of what boundaries actually are and why most of us have been thinking about them all wrong. Two, you'll gain clarity on why setting boundaries feels so hard, especially when emotions like guilt, fear, or self-doubt get in the way.
And number three, you'll gain a practical shift you can make today to start showing up as the mom you want to be, not the reactive, exhausted version of yourself. Let's talk about how setting boundaries can help you rebuild connection with your teen and yourself. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend. I want to start today with a story that I've heard, honestly, hundreds, maybe at this point, thousands of times in my work coaching moms of big kids. I wonder if you can relate.
So a mom comes to me feeling frustrated and stuck. Her teen is doing that thing where they just don't listen. No matter how many times she asks, the kid doesn't do what she wants.
It could be that they're spending too much time on social media or they're gaming too much. Maybe they're not prioritizing homework, waking up late, not getting a job, spending too much money, maybe being totally rude and dismissive. I could literally go on and on with examples.
But meanwhile, this mom, and maybe this mom could be you. I know it's been me. So this mom feels like it's her responsibility to help her kid be responsible.
So she reminds them, and then she repeats herself. And then she starts doing that thing that she hates to do, where she's nagging. And let's be honest, at some point, she reacts.
She's frankly annoyed that she has to waste so much of her time and her energy trying to get her kid to do this one simple thing, this thing that they really should be doing. My friend, we have all been there at one time or another with our kids. And so often the solution sounds like it should be this.
I just need to figure out how to set boundaries. But what you're really saying is, I need to figure out how to get my kid to cut back on gaming or to get on their homework, to wake up on time or basically be a responsible, respectful human being. I mean, at some point in the not-too-distant future, these kids are going to have to be out on their own.
And you look at them not being responsible, maybe being jerks sometimes, and you think they are definitely not ready to go out there. It's honestly stressful. And underneath all of this is this uncomfortable feeling that you're doing it wrong.
At the very least, it can seem like there has to be a better way. So boundaries feel like the solution, right? And I'm here to tell you, if you've ever thought this, you're right. Boundaries are absolutely the solution.
But what if you're trying to set boundaries without actually knowing what a boundary is? And even more, what problem you're solving for? Let's face it, most of us think about boundaries as getting someone else to change their behavior. And think about it. We often want to set boundaries with a lot of different people in our lives.
So this whole conversation doesn't just apply to our But what you might not know is that the most powerful boundary you can ever set is the boundary you set with yourself. So this is what we're going to dive into today. And I want to be clear up front, this isn't a parenting lesson.
I'm never here to tell you how to parent your kid. I don't actually think you need me to do that for you. You have your values and you know your family best.
You know your values and you know your family best. But what you're going to get out of this conversation is a more clear understanding of what boundaries actually are and why they're so hard to set. But I'm not going to give you all of the answers today because I'd love to invite you to a free live master class I'm hosting next week.
So more details on that to come. Let me tell you a story about a mom I worked with and let's call her Rachel. Rachel's son had graduated from high school but he wasn't going to college.
He decided to live at home. He had a job but he was working part-time, presumably earning money so that he could move out one day. But he often went to work late and talked about how much he hated working at this job.
When he wasn't at work he was closed up in his room. He didn't engage much with the family and when he did he wasn't that nice. Rachel found out he was vaping THC at home and she didn't love that.
He also had a mental health diagnosis and he wasn't going to see his therapist. She also wasn't sure he was taking his meds. It was a lot for her to try to figure out how to navigate.
And my friends, I've actually heard so many similar stories. You can think that this boundary setting business is just something you need to do when your teen is in high school but to be quite honest it gets even more complicated as your kids get older because it can feel like you have less and less leverage. What are you going to do? Ground your 21 year old kid? And look, even when your kid goes to college then they come home again and you're left still navigating your relationship with them.
You can get used to the simplicity of not having your kid at home and then they come home with their mess and their attitude and they're sleeping in again. All this to say learning how to set boundaries is something that's a critical skill for us to learn because we're going to be applying it to our relationship with our kids for a really long time. In fact one of my early clients was a young grandmother who wanted to set boundaries with her adult son because she felt like he was always assuming she would rearrange her schedule to babysit his kids.
And of course she supported him for a long time but then started to feel resentful and wanted to stand up for herself by setting a boundary. So this is a big important conversation my friend. Let me get back to Rachel.
So her adult son is living at home, vaping, basically not doing much to show he's on the path to be a responsible adult ready to move out on his own. So Rachel was at the end of her rope with him. She felt resentful and frustrated.
She'd find herself nagging him and that would always escalate into some kind of fight and then she'd beat herself up for nagging, feeling guilty, like she was doing it wrong. She was honestly at the point where she was relieved when she got home and he wasn't there. It felt terrible to feel that way but let's be honest, when you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around someone, it doesn't feel that great to be around them.
And of course this is the last thing we want to feel about our own kids, who we still love of course. So Rachel felt guilty about how she was showing up and she also felt like because she wasn't able to figure out the right way to support him, that she was somehow failing him. Maybe by enabling him, not forcing him to be more responsible and move out on his own.
So she came to me and she said, I think I need to set some boundaries. Maybe I should tell him he has to move out in three months or I should start charging him rent. I just want him to take this seriously.
And so before we started tackling the ins and outs of all of the options in front of her, I asked her to explore this simple question. What are you hoping that a boundary will create for you? She had to think about it for a minute and then she said, I just want to stop feeling so powerless. I want to stop feeling like the bad guy.
I also want to feel like I'm doing the right thing for my son. This response is everything, my friend. This is the real reason we want to set boundaries.
And this is true for any relationship. On the face of it, we tend to think that setting boundaries is about getting other people to change. When it comes to our kids, it's about their behavior or their attitude, their choices.
But really, when you're honest with yourself, what you really want is to feel better, to feel more in control, more at peace. And this isn't a judgment. This doesn't mean that you're being selfish.
It's just the truth. In fact, the only reason we do anything in life is because of how we think it will make us feel. And this is important to know because it can help us really get clear with ourselves about why we do what we do, particularly when what we want is to do something different.
For example, in Rachel's case, she wanted to set boundaries because she wanted to stop nagging and feeling frustrated and angry. She didn't want to have to feel like she was walking on eggshells in her own home with her own son. She didn't want to feel like a failure.
And all of this makes perfect sense. Of course she didn't want to feel that way. Whenever we end up in a place like this and it's pretty clear it feels like it's the other person's fault, we tend to think that we need to set boundaries.
But what we're really saying is that we want to get this other person to do something differently so that we can feel differently. When it comes to our teens, we want them to start being more responsible or to stop talking back. We want our college kid to get a job and start being responsible with their money.
Often women I work with will also talk about setting boundaries with their husband or their partner, maybe around behavior, maybe around the way they speak to them or their expectations, like if he yells or drinks or wants dinner a certain number of nights a week. We can also want to set boundaries with friends or co-workers or mothers or mothers-in-law. So essentially when we're thinking about setting a boundary so we can get this other person to change, we're trying to figure out how to have a conversation where we not only tell this other person what we want, but that we also put in place some kind of rules or consequences, maybe even an ultimatum around what happens when they don't do that thing.
We want to figure out how to find the right balance, the right way to have a conversation so this other person will finally hear us and take us seriously. Because it feels like it stands to reason that if we can get them to hear us and get them to change, then finally we'll get to feel better. We could want our teen to stop rolling their eyes at us or maybe answer us with more than just one word.
Because right now we feel rejected and disconnected and we think if we can just get them to stop this behavior then we could feel reconnected again. Or we could want our college kid to get a job or an internship because right now we're worried about their future. We're worried they're going to end up back at home after graduation and so underlying our wish that they'd get off their butt and get a job is also a wish that we could drop our own anxiety about their future.
We could also wish our husband or ex-husband picked up a little bit more of the emotional load of parenting because right now it feels like everything's on us. That weight can feel heavy. I could go on and on with real examples my clients have shared with me about life with their teens or anyone in their life but in every situation the pattern is the same.
They're thinking if this other person would just change this one thing then I could finally feel better. And my friend it all makes perfect sense. Of course we want to feel better but it actually goes even deeper than just how you feel.
It's actually not just about emotions we're experiencing whether it be frustration, resentment, or even anger or guilt. The even bigger problem is that we don't like how we show up when we feel these emotions. I'm willing to bet you felt this way at one point.
You get angry with your kid because they're not doing something you've asked them to do. So you get to the end of your rope and you just lose it. You've had enough.
And then even as you're walking away from the conversation you feel this pit in your stomach. You hate losing control. You're disappointed in yourself for getting so angry.
Now you're not just angry with your kid you're angry at yourself. And then you beat yourself up wondering why can't I just be more patient or what's wrong with me that it gets so angry so triggered. You can blame hormones or menopause or your teen but whatever the cause it feels terrible.
We want all of it to change and frankly we want to change too. You know the kind of mom you want to be. We all know what that looks like and I'm willing to bet you are that mom already in your calm and collected moments.
You know those times when something happens and for whatever reason you're not triggered and you just jump into action. You know what to do. You're supportive in the right way.
You're even able to have tough conversations in a loving way. You know what that looks like for you. But sometimes particularly those times that involve areas where we know we need to set a boundary it can feel really hard.
I've talked about how setting a boundary is partially about us wanting other people to change and also about how we want to feel better. But even more it's about how we want to change. We're thinking I need a new way of showing up here because this isn't working for either one of us myself or my teen.
I often work with moms who have been in this battle with their kids for a while and the toll of trying to figure out how to parent how to support our kids and set boundaries and bumping against this sense of failure when whatever we're doing isn't working and hasn't been working for a while it can become a real problem because the more we show up from this place of anger and frustration maybe even from a place that our kids might perceive as controlling or at least nagging or maybe even a little needy we show up in a way that we don't like. But let's be real for a second. Our kids may not love this about us either.
I've had clients reflect that they realize every time they get on a call with their college kid that they're writing them about something. So is it any wonder that the kid doesn't call home as much as you'd want them to? And my friend, none of this is a judgment. You don't make your kid pull away from you.
But if you're really honest with yourself, and I've had to be honest with myself about this too, if you're really willing to see yourself as your teen sees you, are you showing up as the mom you want to be? Or could it be that there are things about how you're showing up that you change too? This is where boundaries get really complicated because it's not as simple as just deciding what you want to say. It's not just about being direct or firm. Setting boundaries is hard because it ties back to everything that you're carrying emotionally.
Not just the anger and the frustration, but also the guilt, the fear of getting it wrong, not wanting to be the bad guy, the worry that you'll strain the connection you have with your kid even more, that they won't like you or they might shut you out completely. On top of all of that, we're also second-guessing ourselves constantly, thinking maybe I'm just overreacting, maybe I should just let this go, or that maybe I'm expecting too much. So even when you know something needs to change, you question yourself, you put off that conversation, or you try to set the boundary, but then you backtrack or back down because the conversation escalates and you don't know how to manage it.
So if any of this resonates, I want you to know that I see you, and I've been there too. Navigating our expectations and setting boundaries with our teens, it is hard work, and there are no easy answers or hard and fast rules. Take something like underage drinking, for example.
You might feel strongly that your teen shouldn't drink at all, so you lay out rules and consequences. But at some point, you also might know or suspect that if they really want to drink, they'll probably find a way. So the question is, what's the point of setting a boundary at all? Does that mean that you drop the boundaries or that your rules aren't important? But on the that if you stay open, they'll be honest and responsible.
But in that case, you wonder, am I being too lenient? This is the slippery slope of setting boundaries when you're trying to focus on getting your kid to change. It feels confusing and inconsistent and maybe even pointless at times. But what I want to invite you to consider is that the real power of a boundary isn't about changing or controlling the other person.
It's all about how you show up. Let me do a quick recap of what we've been talking about so far. First, we often think about boundaries are getting your teen or any other person to change their behavior.
And yes, of course, at a basic level, that's what we want. We want our kid to be more responsible or more respectful or just more present. We think that if we can just find the right way to say it the right consequence or rule, then maybe they'll finally take us seriously and do what we ask.
But behind all of this is the truth that the reason we want our kid to change is because we really want to feel better. And again, this isn't a judgment. It's literally human nature.
We just want to feel better, to feel calm and connected and confident, to stop walking on eggshells with the people that we love. We also want to stop reacting in ways that make us feel even worse, really ashamed or out of control. We ultimately want to be that version of ourselves we know we are in our best moments.
And that's really the key to setting boundaries, my friend. It's not about fixing or changing someone else. It's about how you want to show up in your life.
And what I've found more often than not is that when we show up as the best version of ourselves, and this doesn't mean perfection, my friend, but when we can show up from a place of intention and peace, over time we're able to rebuild trust and connection with our kids in a way that means they're at least more likely to listen when we set boundaries or communicate our needs with them. And this small shift can truly be transformative. One of my clients, I'll call her Lisa, came to me wanting to improve her relationship with her daughter who was in high school.
So Lisa felt like her daughter was pulling away, hard. They used to be close, but it felt like every conversation turned into a fight. When they were together, her daughter barely looked up from her phone.
She rolled her eyes constantly and snapped any time Lisa tried to ask her about anything, just how her day was. Lisa told me, it's like she sees me as the enemy. I don't even recognize us anymore.
In this situation, it's understandable if you feel hurt and rejected, also angry and disrespected. The truth is, many of us enjoyed some period of really happy and close connection with our kids as they were growing up. So to lose this during this season of life, it feels terrible.
So Lisa came to me saying what many of us might say in this situation. She said, I think I just need to set some boundaries with my daughter. Something has to change.
She thought about telling her daughter she couldn't have her phone at the dinner table. She'd lie awake at night trying to think about how to approach her daughter differently. She'd often end up telling her daughter how she was making Lisa feel.
But no matter what she did, nothing seemed to change. So in our work together, we took a step back and focused on who she wanted to be in those moments with her daughter. And let me tell you, this changed everything.
Lisa stopped taking her daughter's attitude so personally. She was able to take a pause instead of reacting in situations that used to trigger her. And when she did need to set a boundary, she did it from a place of calm confidence, not anger and control.
For sure, her daughter didn't become a different person overnight, but the energy between them shifted. They had fewer fights and started having more honest conversations. Lisa actually started hearing and appreciating her daughter in a new way.
And all of this led to her feeling reconnected to her daughter again. Actually, feeling reconnected to herself again. What really changed for Lisa wasn't just how she talked to her daughter.
It was how she started showing up for herself. She wasn't worried about perfection. She stopped taking responsibility for her daughter's emotions and reactions.
In fact, what she started doing was setting boundaries with herself. And I know that phrase might sound a little strange at first, setting boundaries with yourself. But stay with me.
Setting boundaries with yourself means noticing when you're about to react from fear or frustration and choosing a different path. This is about deciding ahead of time who you want to be in those challenging moments. It also means giving yourself permission to protect your peace, to decide what you really want, and to also be honest with yourself about what you can control and what you can't.
The heart of the work I do with my clients isn't at all about parenting or telling you what boundaries to set. It's about creating a new and more powerful relationship with yourself that naturally leads to more powerful connections with everyone in your life that you love, especially your kids. So my friend, if you've been listening and thinking, yes, this is me, I don't like how I'm showing up and I want to learn how to set boundaries, then please hear me when I say you are not alone, you are not broken, and you are not failing.
This is deep emotional work. And let's be honest, most of us were never taught how to do this. But you don't have to figure it out alone.
I want to invite you to a free live masterclass I'm teaching this coming week called Set Boundaries with Your Teen and Yourself. This isn't a parenting class. It's an opportunity to go deeper into why boundaries feel so hard and how to shift your mindset to show up as the mom you want to be.
In this class, I'll talk more about what boundaries really are and why we get stuck when we try to set them. And finally, I'll show you how to begin setting boundaries from a place of self-trust and love, not fear or anger. Ultimately, this work is about showing up as the mom you want to be.
I already know that you love your kids and you're doing your best. You wouldn't be listening to this podcast if this wasn't true. This doesn't mean that you're doing it wrong.
You just need some practical tools to help you navigate a tricky time of life where you're developing a new adult relationship with your big kid. You're also navigating a big transition in your own life. Learning how to set powerful boundaries will impact every relationship you have, particularly the one you have with yourself.
So I hope you'll join me for the class. It's free and there'll be a special bonus for those who show up live. So go to my website www.thesmalljar.com to sign up and to learn more details.
My friend, in my own life with my boys, I am setting boundaries every single day. It shows up in the way I approach my youngest son when he sleeps in too late. It's in how I respond when one of my boys seems off but they don't want to talk to me.
It's in the way I navigate phone calls with my son in college, even how often I choose to text him and what I expect in return. And if you think of all of this as a list of rules or expectations, yeah, I can understand that it sounds exhausting. But that's not what this is.
What this work has taught me is to get really clear ahead of time about the kind of mom I want to be, and beyond that, the kind of woman I want to be for myself. And I can't tell you how powerful it is to look at how I'm showing up and know I am being exactly who I want to be. That kind of peace, that kind of self-trust, it's available to you too.
I hope you'll join me Tuesday for the masterclass.
Until next time, my friend.
If you enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review and check out our coaching program, Mom 2.0, at www.thesmalljar.com. You have more power than you think, my friend.
