FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE
Welcome to the Small Jar Podcast, where we moms of teens find the power to step off the emotional rollercoaster between motherhood and the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins. Episode number 47.
Hello, friends. I thought I would switch gears and talk about relationships with our partners. This conversation really will apply to anyone in a long-term relationship or recovering from a long-term relationship or considering getting back into one.
I've coached quite a few women working through divorce and other painful issues related to their spouse or partner. But I've also noticed in my conversations with other clients, even though the primary source of their pain might be due to challenges other than their partner, there also seems to be a subtext that relates to issues with their partners, but they really don't want to talk about it. Sometimes the issue is simply related to the stress of co-parenting teens, but often there are other strains, maybe not substantial enough to be the cause of divorce or even marital counseling, but more of an underlying pain point exacerbating some of the other challenges we're facing.
So let's talk about it. Marriage, long-term partnership, whatever that looks like for you. For fun, I looked up the definition of marriage, a legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners.
That's how we typically define it. But marriage can also mean a combination or mixture of two or more elements. The example the Oxford Dictionary gives is a marriage of jazz, pop, blues, and gospel.
I like this example because jazz, pop, blues, and gospel are fairly different musical genres. And when we come together in long-term partnerships, it's inevitable that our coming together is going to involve a blending of two very different people. Except for by now, at this moment with teenagers at home or already off to college, we've been in these relationships for a long time, like 15, 20, 25, or more years, more than our kids' lifetimes.
And just think about how our kids have grown and changed in that time. They've grown exponentially in size, capabilities, maybe also in mood swings. So whether you're married or not, I'm sure you've heard the words of the traditional wedding vow.
I, state your name, take you, the other person, to be my husband or wife, to have and to hold from this day forward. And here's the fun part. For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health, as long as we both shall live.
Do you remember how romantic that sounded 20 years ago? So now we're 20 or 25 years in, and we've definitely seen better and worse. Probably also richer and poorer. We've experienced health and sickness.
Let's just throw in a pandemic. I mean, look, that's life, right? We experience joy and pain. It's a 50-50 experience.
And I can make the argument that we wouldn't appreciate the better and the richer or the times when we're healthy, and let's not forget joyful, without the worse, poor, sickness, and pain. But to sum it up, we've been through a lot over the past 20 years. Hindsight is painfully 20-20, and I can imagine that you've had some really tough times that you've made it to the other side of, maybe stronger and wiser, maybe grateful to have risen above or beyond the challenge.
But there have also probably been some really beautiful times that you look back on and wish you'd enjoyed and cherished just a little bit more. I'm finding this nostalgia to be a pretty powerful and unsettling part of motherhood during this stage. I have these beautiful memories, and let's be honest, I've pretty much let go of all of my memories of the hardest parts of raising the boys when they were little.
So I'm left with these powerful, picture-perfect moving images in my mind, when the boys would be running around the house giggling their heads off after their baths, the cuddles before bed, the feeling that I was the center of their world. I find myself wishing that I'd held on to those moments a little bit longer. I wonder if I really appreciated them as much as I should have when I was there.
And of course, these thoughts add a twinge of guilt to my memories. I could probably put them in the same box as the thoughts that go something like, I hope they know I did my best and I loved them with every ounce of my being. I want to ask you something.
Do you remember your husband or partner in this way? When you think back on the past 20 years, do the painful parts fade away, leaving only shiny, happy, blissful memories? Or is it easier to find the painful memories and much more challenging to put yourself back in that headspace of the heady romance you probably experienced at the very beginning? My guess is your answers would be somewhat mixed. I wonder what the difference for you might be, the difference between how you remember the better and worse with your kids versus the way you remember that 50-50 with your partner. Let's use the way we feel about our kids as the base case example of the promise we thought we were making when we said those vows.
And if you're in a long-term partnership, I'm guessing you started off in your love journey with this mindset too, like I'm in this with you 100% for better and worse. We essentially meant I'm going to love you and be there for you unconditionally until the end of time. We never said that vow to our children, but for the majority of us, the moment we found out we were pregnant, we made that vow to our child.
I love you. I haven't even met you, but I love you unconditionally until the end of my time on this earth. Nothing will ever change that feeling we have for our kids.
Sure, we might get pissed at them. Frankly, we could even get really angry about things they do, but I imagine even in the worst case imaginable, a mother still loves her child. So I wonder how much conviction you have in that unconditional promise with your partner today.
Studies say that couples married for over 20 years are now more likely to divorce than any other group. The divorce rates for couples in our demographic has actually doubled since the 90s and it's predicted to triple by 2030. Some of you listening may have already gotten divorced or maybe in the midst of one.
Why are we in this time of life, particularly susceptible to divorce? Well, they probably don't need to tell you. You've either experienced it or your friends have. For starters, we've been making a significant investment of time and emotional energy in raising and launching our kids.
And I think it's only gotten more complicated and emotionally charged as my boys have gotten older. This focus, really this tendency for all of us naturally to make our kids our highest priority means that our relationship falls at best to number two, and much more likely further down the list if we're completely honest with ourselves. We stop making time to check in with each other or spend quality time together.
We can stop being intimate with each other. The kids give us an easy excuse to not have to invest time in working on our relationship. And let's face it, the kids also give us reasons to butt heads with our partners too.
When the things our kids are facing feel like big challenges, it's common for each of us, you and your partner, to have very different feelings and reactions to these problems. And this can make these challenges even more difficult to work through because you're not on the same page. Then when the kids leave, we can find that we just don't have that much in common with our partners anymore.
Sometimes we've known that for a long time and we've stayed together because we just didn't want to disrupt our kids' lives. And other times it can be that we've just drifted apart. Look, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that if you neglect a relationship, it withers.
But none of us start out wanting to neglect our partner. If anything, we went into this relationship with high hopes and big dreams, for better or worse, right? So this drifting apart in whatever form you notice it might be happening in your relationship. And it's often a symptom of an underlying problem that we might not even know exists.
So rather than focusing on the reasons we complain about, let's tackle the underlying problem. On the one hand, we could chalk many of the issues we have around relationships to unmet expectations. On this podcast, if you've been listening for a while, you know I talk a lot about expectations.
I think at the end of the day, we all have expectations. And actually, although unrealistic expectations can set us up for disappointment, I also believe that expectations are necessary in relationships. They help us set boundaries.
For example, it would be reasonable to have the expectation that your husband doesn't physically abuse you. And along with that expectation would come an understanding that if that line is crossed, you would have a boundary that there would be consequences. For example, we might question if this is the kind of relationship we want to be in.
The consequence may even be that we leave. So these types of expectations and boundaries are helpful and healthy. And actually, when you think about it, these kind of boundaries protect us because they represent an understanding about the type of behavior we would not tolerate from another person in our life.
There are many different types of boundaries we could set with our partner or anyone in our life for that matter. There are physical boundaries, sexual boundaries, emotional and mental boundaries, financial boundaries, really any area that you consider non-negotiable with respect to your expectations. This is where we need to set boundaries.
So look, even after 20 years of marriage, people in relationship cross these non-negotiable boundaries. In some cases, one partner crosses a non-negotiable line out of the blue. And other times one partner in a relationship has been crossing the boundary for a long time.
In either case, it still can be hard to access the strength to walk away. It's not easy to do this even when we feel devastated and betrayed. In addition to boundaries, we have just plain old expectations of our partners.
If you were to list out the expectations you have for your partner, other than the big, I would leave you if you did this type of expectation, the list would probably be fairly long and boring. And for fun, if you're listening, pause this or come back to this when you have time. Seriously, write out the list of expectations you have for your partner in every aspect of your life.
Be honest. What do you expect from them as a father, as a partner? What do you expect from them financially? How much should they contribute? How much should they earn? What time should they get home? How quickly should they call you back when you reach out? How neat should they be? Now, don't just think about the things they do wrong. Think about the things that they do that you love, that you now honestly expect them to keep doing.
What responsibilities should they have around the house? What responsibilities do you have that you think they should help out with more? How much should they expect sex or be ready for sex? How often should they say I love you? What should they do with their jacket when they get home? Should they give you a kiss when you see each other? Should they bring the laundry upstairs when it's waiting patiently at the bottom of the stairs for someone to notice it? I'm just getting started. Seriously, think of every single aspect of your life, every category, every room in your house, every time of day, every meal, every interaction. We have expectations around how we want every single aspect of this to go.
Now, if you really do this exercise, I wonder if you are surprised by how many expectations you truly have and how some of them can honestly sound so trivial. Here's a personal example. I have an expectation that people shouldn't leave their shoes under the coffee table.
My husband doesn't share this expectation apparently because at the end of the week, I find three or four pairs of shoes under the coffee table. Is this expectation a deal breaker? Absolutely not. I don't even think I've mentioned this to him, so it's not a big deal.
Only I notice that every time I see the shoes under the coffee table, I think he shouldn't have left them there. That's not where they go. It's comical actually when you pick apart one specific expectation because it sounds pretty ridiculous to care about where someone's shoes go.
Only because I'm the one who cares, I'm also the one who brings the shoes upstairs. But look, who cares where the shoes go? I'm not mad about it. Only we have hundreds of these niggling expectations of each other.
These uncommunicated, somewhat picky, embarrassingly little expectations that when unmet add up to a bunch of annoyances. One way to tackle this problem is to calmly communicate your expectations rather than getting pissed about them. We often get annoyed and snarky, which leads our partner to get annoyed back or defensive, and this rarely leads to any change in behavior.
And so in a calm moment, I could sit my husband down and tell him about the shoe under the coffee table problem. But I mean really? Is this something either of us have time to sit down and talk about? And is it really a problem that he doesn't share my expectation about where the shoes go? Of course the shoes aren't really a problem, but I want to ask you how long is the list you have of small annoyances? The problem becomes that we're not going to have a sit down about each and every one of them. It would be ridiculous and probably lead to a fight because we're being so nitpicky.
So we push these expectations under the rug figuratively, except for we really don't because we still have the expectation. We haven't exactly changed our mind about wanting the shoes to be kept somewhere other than under the coffee table. And husband, if you're listening, thank you for letting me use this example.
In return, you are more than welcome to continue stashing your shoes under the table. Okay, so back to my point. The long list of small but unmet expectations we have, we don't address.
And so they add up and can often create much bigger issues in relationships, even in the strongest of marriages. If you're not mindful, if you're not really on to yourself about what's going on in your head as it relates to your partner, meaning if you're not really honest with yourself about the expectations you have that you think they're not meeting, you can find yourself totally pissed off about the accumulation of these expectations, the majority of which we have never communicated, except for in the moments when we're really pissed off. Like why am I the only one who feeds the dog? So here's my first invitation.
Be on to yourself about your expectations for your partner. And I have absolutely no judgment about what those should be, but just notice what it creates for you when you hold on to these expectations as if they're law and you allow them to build up into resentment, kind of a belief system that your partner doesn't fill in the blank, support me, appreciate me, love me, value me. Because this is what happens, right? When unmet expectations build up in our minds, it's like we start looking for evidence that we're being let down in the relationship.
And friends, this happens in challenged relationships. It happens in strong relationships. We all have expectations.
And so many of them, we never communicate to our partner because as you probably noticed, if you did the expectations list exercise, we can have so many of them. They seem unreasonable when all laid out on paper, even though in our minds, we're still pretty sure they're fair, that we have every right to expect them. And I'm not saying that you don't have a right to expect whatever you want out of a relationship.
In fact, I would be the first to champion your right to set boundaries and stand up for your own needs and wants a hundred percent. But I do think it's valuable for us to take responsibility for acknowledging the uncommunicated expectations we have of our partners. And then it's a simple decision.
Is this a big enough expectation that I want to share it and even set a boundary around it? Or is it something I'm willing to let go? So far in this conversation, I've put a lot of responsibility on us as women, as wives, or as partners to be the one who is responsible for the state of our relationship, or at least responsible for acknowledging our expectations. And I get that some of you, as you're listening to this are thinking, what about him or her? What about my partner and their responsibility in this relationship? Shouldn't they meet me halfway? I think it's a valid question. And here's what I want to offer you.
The reason I'm focused on us is because we are aware our power lies. I can't make my partner do anything. Even if I set very clear expectations about what I want, he'll very likely not meet some of those expectations all of the time.
In fact, he may not want to meet some of my expectations. The bottom line is that our partner is a grown adult and we can't make them do a thing. So our partner doesn't meet our expectations.
What then? I've used the shoes under the coffee table example, but let me explore a different common example. We can often have expectations that our spouse appreciates us. And it's a common complaint that we think they don't appreciate me.
I get it. It's lovely to feel appreciated. But let's explore why it's so hard to feel appreciated.
We think it's our partner's fault. You may be thinking right now, my partner isn't doing something. Let's think of an example.
So let's say as a mom, you're the one who takes care of the home, the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, on top of whatever other obligations you have outside of the home. You also manage the kid's schedules and are the first one in line when someone needs something or needs a ride somewhere. So in this example, let's say we feel unappreciated because our partner doesn't acknowledge or recognize how much work it takes to keep the house clean, keep the fridge stocked, plan meals, be there for the kids.
And so we can have these moments when we're overwhelmed by the stress of all these responsibilities. And we see that our husband isn't pulling his weight or not saying a simple thank you after dinner. So at the end of the day, in this example, we might feel unappreciated.
Sometimes I'll hear people say as a complaint, he just doesn't appreciate me. One issue with this expectation is that it's vague. We'd like to think that the other person in our lives will know exactly what we mean when we tell them they don't appreciate us.
But do they? What does the list of expectations around appreciation look like? Meaning, what are the two or more specific things that your partner is not doing that makes you think he or she doesn't appreciate you? Because that's what it comes down to. Again, these expectations. How can someone meet them if they don't know what they are? What does appreciation look like? We tell ourselves that they should know.
Worse, that they should know by now, after 20 years of marriage. But what if they don't know? What if they don't know how important this expectation is to you? And if it's so important to you, could it be possible for you to clearly communicate the expectation to them? For example, when I make dinner, I would really like you to say thank you and clean up the dishes. When it comes down to it, it may be that simple.
Is that what you are waiting for? A simple thank you and some help with the dishes? It sounds so simple, right? Like all I have to do is communicate the expectation? Well, yes and no. Because as you can probably see from your list of expectations, it's not really worth communicating all of them. You might even recognize that some of the things on your list are just your preference.
Like I prefer that shoes not be under the coffee table, but does it really change my life if they are? And here's the even bigger question. Why is it really so important for you that your partner meets each of your expectations? Maybe the answers are simple because I want a clean home, because I think it's fair to split the chores around the house, because he's also a parent and should take 50% of the responsibility of raising the kids. But what if these expectations are important to us because if our partner meets our expectations, we get to feel a certain way that we want to feel appreciated, loved, valued? I want to ask you, why is it that we need our partner to give us these things? Really, I'm not saying we don't want our partner to be loving and helpful, but do you notice that when we think our lover is loving or appreciative, it's because we've observed the specific actions they're taking, and we've decided in our minds that those actions demonstrate that our partner appreciates and loves us.
I was reminded recently by my sister about Gary Chapman's five love languages, which she shares are all the range in the 40 plus dating scene. In Chapman's book, he offers five ways that partners express and experience love, and he calls these ways love languages. The five love languages are words of affirmation or compliments, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
So according to Chapman, we all have these specific ways we like to give and receive love, and they all fall into these general categories. In an ideal world, our partner shares the same love languages, and so the way I express love matches the way my partner prefers to receive love, basically a win-win for romantic relationships. So in a simple example, if I like to express love by giving gifts, and my partner thinks receiving a gift is the ultimate proof that he's loved, then we've got a match.
I give love with a gift, and he receives my gift as an act of love. So 20 years in, the ship has sailed on picking a partner based on shared love languages, unless you're diving back into the dating pool. So the far more helpful practice now is to notice that you have a particular lens that you use to perceive your partner's actions based on your expectations, or call it preferred love language.
Maybe you think when your partner helps around the house, an act of service, that this is a demonstration of his or her love. Maybe you're waiting for him or her to give you words of affirmation or compliments. We look at our partner's actions or expressions of love so that we can receive their love and appreciation, but did you know you can feel love even when your partner does nothing, like not one thing? At the end of the day, our interpretation of how our partner expresses their love and appreciation is all a story in our mind about whether or not our lover is meeting our hopes and expectations.
But what if we could recognize that even when they don't meet our expectations, we can feel as much love as we want. We don't have to wait for them to check boxes or tell us they love us or empty the dishwasher. We can feel love in our own minds and hearts no matter what they do.
So now the question for you is, what's keeping you from feeling that love and appreciation right now? Because you get to decide. Here's your partner, the same one you've had for 20 or more years, the one who you promised long ago that you would love and cherish, for better or worse. When it comes to your expectation of your partner, which are you focused on? How they're meeting your expectations or how they're letting you down? Because I promise if you're waiting for them to prove something to you so that you get to feel loved and appreciated, it's going to be a long wait because we can never live up to each other's expectations all of the time.
So here's my invitation, you get to feel loved and appreciated right now. Can you find it?
Until next time, friends.
If you enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review and check out our coaching program, Mom 2.0 at www.thesmalljar.com. You have more power than you think, my friend.
